Monday, August 29, 2011

On prayer Worn Knees


  I went to school to earn a degree in Psychology. I know- you’d never have guessed that since I stay at home with all my little ones, I home school and coupon and try to make everything I can from baby wipes to laundry soap, lol. But I did, and one thing I remember learning in a Child development class was that when things trouble a child, it often manifests itself in their play and artwork.
     Things around here have been so bad financial it’s becoming more than a test of faith. It’s quickly turning into a trial. At first things were just annoying but bearable. Then they became troublesome. Now they are moving into scary. It just seems like it’s one thing after another after another. I spent much of today crying and worrying, yet trying to remember that God will never leave us or forsake us. Let me tell you now- it is impossible for faith and fear to co-exist in the same heart. I guess though fear is strong right now, faith must be just a little stronger since I don’t feel completely helpless or hopeless yet…. I just feel “done”.
     At any rate, I was wiping down the dinner table tonight to prepare for dinned started flipping through my children’s drawing pads. My 3 older kids had page after page after page of smiling animals and stick figures, sunny skies and flowers and rainbows. The baby had colorful swirls of yellows and blues, greens and reds- all light and happy. How these precious children keep feeling so light when they don’t have half the stuff other kids have is beyond me. I can’t remember the last time they were at the movies. Clothes are hand-me-downs from 8 years ago. Food is carefully doled out; even juice at dinner is becoming a luxury. Yet they continue to smile, dream and draw, living blissfully Unaware of the financial woes  that their parents pray and cry over. Every night I pray God moves us out of this town somehow, to a place where we can be surrounded by like-minded families and a good church close by. I want my babies to have friends; heck I want us to have friends! I pray my children never forget the Bible verses put to song that I have taught them, so that one day when they are grown and go through their own trials they will continue to hope and dream and be able to find a song in their hearts to sing. I continue to hold on to the promises I know to be true…. though the clouds may never pass away from my home and less deserving people accumulate more and the evil prosper… my God will never leave or forsake me.(Hebrews 13:5) And I pray I never fail Him.

A Matter of Royal Importance


It feels so good to be back! Please forgive the week long hiatus-internet issues....if you want further explanation, please see this blog's Facebook page: The Heart of Ruth.
At any rate, I was thinking today about modesty and being lady like. I'm not completely sure what ignited this chain of thoughts today...maybe it's when my daughter asked me to show her how to climb a tree and I proceeded to do it in my skirt,lol. I could only get so far because I realized if I were to go any higher there would be a clear view of my underwear! She was disappointed but accepted it and dropped it. But then I just kept thinking all these conflicting thoughts- some related to one another, others seemed totally east from west of each other.  

Who cares if you can see my underwear?It's just my family- they know I wear underwear!

Girls just shouldn't be up in trees!Why not?We can do anything boys can do!

But were we really meant to do whatever boys can?Is it really all that bad if we can't or shouldn't compete with boys?
Is it wrong to prove we are just as good as they are or is it enough to know we are and just keep that as our own little secret?

See what I mean? I hope it doesn't make me crazy that I entertain debates in my head,lol Then I began reading this book that had a line in it that turned the light bulb on for me. As Christian women, we are princesses. Every one of us knows that God is King of kings and we may even go so far as to have the cute t-shirts or Bible covers that say I'm a Princess or My Daddy is a King, but how many of us actually really truly believe that? But you have to if you truly believe that God is Lord of all.And when you have lords what do you have to match them?

That's right-ladies.

We are ladies and princesses. Now think about Princesses- not the Disney ones but real life royalty.

Princess Diana of Wales


Catherine Middleton Duchess of Cambridge

Princess Amira of Saudi Arabia

Princess Grace of Monaco


Now I am sure that at some point you could probably find some unflattering or immodest pictures of these women online, but just for the moment look at their pictures above. They are covered up, they have a certain something about them that makes them both extremely important  but wonderfully approachable. They command respect. They have the kind of beauty that makes women wish they were them, and men wish they could be with them----but they are in no way provocative, trampy or trying to get cat called to get their self worth.

That's it!

The thing you can see on them but can't quite figure out what it is: confidence.   Can we agree that depending on what you are wearing, you will carry yourself differently- maybe even act a certain way? We are part of a HUGE Royal Family! That makes us somebodies! We don't need validation from anybody based on the flaunting of our bodies. If this post hits home with you I want you to know  I'm not sitting here holier than thou wagging my finger at you- this is for me too.

My whole life I've been the fat fluffy haired one. The smart one. The funny one. But never the pretty one. My worth has always come from what other people- especially the boys thought of me. Unfortunately as far as I knew they didn't think much of me other than I was a good friend. I just wish that had been enough for me and not some kind of insult. I thank God for my Christian foundation because without it I just might have pushed the limits to get the attention and confidence and validation I so very much wanted. 

After I got diagnosed with diabetes last year, I worked really hard to lose weight for my health. I succeeded in losing 50lbs without the help of any expensive program or pill or anything like that. But even though I did it for my health I got a very unexpected side effect- I became attractive,lol! I know I am married and I love my man with all honesty- but it didn't hurt the ego getting smiles, winks and waves from complete strangers. Never keeping a secret from my husband, I would always tell him if something new happened while I was out that day.He always assured me it was awesome news and he was happy for long as I stayed true to him. Not a problem, so I reveled in my new little taste of attention. Over the span of a few months my heart changed and I thought I was becoming confident but looking back I was so not. I was arrogant. I didn't dress trampy, but I did dress tighter because it looked more acceptable than it would have 50lbs heavier. My heart is back to normal thank God, although I do still struggle with missing the attention.

This is me now: I have basically ditched wearing shorts or pants unless I'm at the gym because the skirts remind me I am first and foremost a lady and to act as such. Unless it's an unbearably hot day out, my hair is worn long and down because the feeling of the hair draped around my shoulders and down my arms makes me feel ultra feminine. I will find one thing everyday( even if I have to repeat that thing days in a row) that I can honestly say I like about myself; one day it may be the new shape of my arms, the next it may be my eyes. In the coming months I have the pleasure of having 3 rogue baby teeth and all 4 wisdom teeth yanked, and a couple years of braces to help pull down my impacted adult teeth to look forward to. 


I am scared of the oral surgery and being knocked out part. I'm not fond of the fact that I wanted braces my whole teenage life and now that I don't want them,they are mandatory. But maybe that's just what I need to help keep my heart in check...a little humiliation, er uh, I mean humility. LOL. Seriously though, God knows the importance of beauty to a woman- He created us after all!

1 Peter 3:3-4

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Almost all Christian women know that verse, but for me though it is haunting and definitely a standard to live up to, it's been overused,misinterpreted and too easily debated. I like a verse that can't be any of those, so this one does it for me:

Proverbs 31:3

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Can't get any clearer than that! Physical beauty will not last. Charm is deceptive. I have always said I hated flattery and compliments because all they are are heaps of lies men tell you to get something from you. Yet here I was, knowing the attention I was getting were all lies. I was the same person (more or less) as I was a year ago, but the fact that I was now getting attention because my weight and clothing had changed tells me that the way these insignificant people felt about me were lies. Rhianna was right- I loved the way they lied. It felt good. 

Idiot me. 

I have a good man and a greater God that loved me endlessly 12 years ago at 200lbs, 5 years ago at 216lbs and today at 185lbs. That's truth. That's love- wanting nothing more than my love and respect in return. A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. If you fear the Lord you respect Him, if you respect Him you love Him and if you love Him you will cover yourself up, stop cheapening His bride and lovely creation and have some dignity for yourself.Why can't we see ourselves the way He sees us? We want to feel like Princesses, with our fearless knight on his mighty white steed running in to risk His life for us because we are that valuable to Him.....I'll do you one better. 

The King gave His life for you (Romans 5:8) because you were that valuable (Matthew 10:31) to Him. White steed and all.(Revelation 19:11-16)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Winds of Change


I apologize if this entry isn't all that long. I'm not feeing well, but I feel the urge to tell somebody to "hold on." I was taught in school that life and times are like a pendulum; that even though it seems things are only ever going to swing one way-and it seems that way is usually against us- that they have to turn like the tides and swing the other way in our favor. I am SO living this right now.

I prayed months ago for God to reveal my purpose to me- to show me the bigger picture of my life and i believe it's beginning to take shape. As I've written words to these posts and posts for other wonderful sites and heart has begun to shift and change. I can still have a temper and a low tolerance for stupid,lol, but I feel more mellow. I am facing in the coming months major oral surgery to yank my wisdom teeth,remove 3 baby teeth that never came out,braces and the pulling down of impacted adult teeth. I fear sedation,pain,looking ridiculous at 30 and the overwhelming financial hardship this is going to put on us.

But my God is bigger and He loves me.

I'm also feeling it's time for us to move again; we've outgrown this house and prayed for a year now about what to do. I need my mother and my husband and I desperately need a night or 2 out alone..we haven't had one in years.We are barely making it as it is and from the viewpoint of a 3rd party all we can do about this is dream. 

I say I can pray.

I have a home picked out just 10 minutes from Grammie, 2 hours from here.... and prayed over it's a matter of God getting us in there. Or wherever He wants us is fine with me. 

I would never ever EVER make this blog monetized. It is my ministry and it blesses me to bless others. But after having just a feeling (and I'm beginning to know these feelings and follow them) I put a donation button on my other blog           (8 Years of Growth) all the way at the bottom of the page. If people feel led to bless us it can be done there; it is secure and is attached to Paypal. But I don't expect it,I don't ask for it...but in the off chance it leads to my prayers being answered i humbly thank all who have a hand in blessing us in advance. 10% of all donations will always be tithed, by the way. I will continue to write the words God drops in my spirit here and if you believe the words "hold on" were meant for you..please don't fight them. God's got you. I've come to learn when God requires you to jump off a cliff, He either catches you or gives you wings to fly----but he will never let you fall.

Isaiah 40:31 

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Life Lessons from a 2 Year Old

     Everyone thinks their baby is special, I'm no different. What I wonder is, how many of these babies will grow to know that they were important life lessons for their parents? My youngest was not 1 lesson learned, but 3 for me.


     I, like most people, had been inadvertently taught that Doctors are god-like. What they say goes.You don't ask questions and you don't stray from doctor's orders.When I had my first baby, I wanted it to be as natural and med free as possible-which is why I tried very hard to avoid physicians and stick to seeing the midwife as much as possible. When it came time to have her, my midwife was unavailable and the doctor told me I was measuring too big and had to be induced.(I should probably note here it was 4th of July weekend in yeah...)Very long story short, after 1 12 hr induction, being sent home, another 7 hr induction and the doctor breaking my water without telling me- it was decided for me that I was to have a c-section. I will spare you the gory details of my panicked crying, the insulting / threatening anesthesiologist and the secret drug they gave me that warped and partially erased my memory.      
     Suffice it to say I was scarred for years, mistrusting of doctors and heck bent on having a VBAC. After 2 more physician pressured sections, one that I believe nearly cost my son his life(it was too early to have him), I was blessed to meet Angie Nixon, a beautiful midwife from Scott Depot, WV. Even though my 3 section track record made her nervous, this angel took me on for a time with my 4th pregnancy and taught me that God has the final say/women definitely can say "no" (or at least "wait") and that  pregnancy is not an illness to be cured from. By the time she referred me to the wonderful doctor who performed my 4th section, I was determined that no man was gonna tell me when he was going to cut me. Illness makes you a patient;pregnancy makes you a customer.I let him know nicely but very firmly this belief and he obliged. I waited 42 full weeks (to be sure she was absolutely full term) to give birth- and I'm so glad I did.

     Before Caia, I felt something was wrong with me that I couldn't deliver naturally. I hated the surgery and even more the people that just had to remind me it's not how the baby gets here but that they got here at all that was important. True, but not true. If how they got here matters to the mother...then it absolutely matters! But each time I found myself blessed with a pregnancy, I saw it as a new opportunity to "get it right" this time. When we had my son we had just moved to WV( seriously- I was only here maybe a week) and the doctor I met assured me that once again for the size I was measuring,despite my being approximately 38wks, it was more than safe to deliver. Against the strongest internal NO! I've ever felt, I went once again with the doc. My son was born but within minutes it was determined he wasn't breathing right and his pulse was too fast. Yet another long story short, I was kept in the dark and denied nursing him for 7hrs- just about the time they decided to let me in on what was going on.He was taken 50 miles away to a bigger hospital that was equipped with a fully staffed state of the art NICU. It was 10pm and I wasn't allowed to go with him. I spent that first night feeling like my son was already dead. I demanded to be discharged the next day and from that day until his discharge on his 8th day of life, my husband and I (still recovering from my surgery) drove 100 miles a day to sit and stare at him in his oxyhood and back home to the 2 little girls who never yet got to meet their brother. He is a fully functioning tornado of a miracle today at 4 yrs old, but his entry into this world made me realize that with my next baby, all my focus was going to be on her. It's not about proving I'm normal, or getting to experience something I was never meant to experience in pushing out the baby- and it was definitely not about trusting anymore doctors---but making every single decision based on her health and safety. Baby #4 ended up yet another section, but after much prayer and waiting on God's gentle nudge that now was the time. She was born a fully termed, happy, suckling 8lbs 10oz!   Not a thing wrong with her other than a bad case of baby acne, I am so grateful I traded the "me" for the "her"; she showed me just how amazing putting yourself last can be and the amount of blessings possible when you do.
     With baby 1 my whole pregnancy was about how unready we were for her and the constant on/off arguing we were doing. With baby 2 it was about how was she gonna get here? Baby 3 I can barely remember the pregnancy because we were completely consumed with our preparations for our 500+ mile move. Not fun packing a whole house by yourself when you are hugely pregnant and home alone all day with 2 little girls under 3 yrs old!
     With Caia I was determined to enjoy every single minute of every single day of my 42 week pregnancy. I can remember every queasy feeling, every kick and every disturbed look i got from people who came into my office at work only to see how frighteningly swollen my  belly was when I came out from behind my desk (I was a breastfeeding counselor-I know...shocking,lol)I remember her delivery day, the smell of the OR, the beeping of the monitors and the piercing cry of a healthy baby girl. It was because of this decision to choose joy over any of my circumstances that we chose to name her Caia- because it means "to rejoice".

Jeremiah 15:16
"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty."


Friday, August 12, 2011


I apologize for not posting on here lately- I've been busy guest blogging for some awesome sites and other bloggers. Don't worry- i will be back here ASAP! Thank you for visiting my blogs!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cloud 9

     Being on Cloud 9, in theory sounds like a great thing. When I looked up the history behind the phrase, it became very clear that there is no 1 certain derivation. Some think it comes from the Buddhist belief in 
Bhodisattva, or enlightenment. Supposedly when you get to stage 9, all things are done unselfishly. Some believe that it is actually based on the actual fluffy fiends up in the sky, with Level 9 being the highest one could ascend to, approximately 30,000-40,000ft above. No matter where it came from, I think we can all agree that it basically means "to have a contented and euphoric feeling".
     I just find it very odd that such a simple phrase that most people know its meaning have no idea where it began. I think a lot of people are the exact same way with marriages- hence the divorce rate being 50%. What I mean by this is,  when a couple decides to marry, they assume things won't  drastically change, that they will gain happiness and contentment and a sense of completion from getting married...and therefore (some,not all) put more emphasis,time and work into the wedding than the marriage itself. This would stand to make it seem that they believe their "Cloud 9" state begins on their wedding day- or even back at the proposal.

     I don't claim to know everything (heck, there are days I'm amazed I know anything!) but for me personally, my Cloud 9 began today at midnight, on my 9th wedding anniversary. Though we had always gone to the same school and probably even played together as children, my husband and I didn't officially meet and become a couple until 3 months before my graduation (gasp! yes, I know I'm the older one by almost 2yrs). We dated for 2yrs and were engaged another year or year and a half before marrying in 2002.As always, I believed mine was the most handsome,flawless perfect guy in the world-he was different.

     No, he wasn't.

     Reality set in a few weeks after the honeymoon literally ended. This guy that I had known for over 3 years and who I  honestly seemed to have every single minute detail in common with suddenly began having opposing views on everything. Though I knew he loved me deeply, he wasn't as attentive as when we were dating. I often joked he was having an affair with his Playstation2- that she was a sleek, teasing black little thing that was always there when he wanted her..turned on or off at his whim.Lol. He was messy, angered easily and his mind always seemed to be somewhere else. I overlooked what I deemed to be his "guy faults", but it was really beginning to agitate me. I soon found myself a stay at home mommy to a little girl, lonely and bored with nothing more constructive to do than get online and blog my selfish and immature woes.
     Everyday I prayed that this man would change back to the flawless boyfriend I had lost somewhere between the alter and Epcot on our honeymoon.I wanted him to grow up and be the man I thought I deserved-funny thing is my prayers were going to be answered sooner than I thought, and it was gonna be the best but most painful lesson I'd ever learn. It was also going to reqvuire that I change also- don't worry,it was for the better.
     Very long story short, my faith and love and strength were tested 2 years ago when my husband unloaded a TON of confessions on me. He felt like God was basically following him around for months just convicting and convicting and convicting him to let go of his secrets and  sins. When he finally did this, it was completely out of left field for me. I had no warning and no idea I was going to be playing the part of a priest- hearing every horrible thing he could remember from his childhood up to the present. I wish he hadn't started at the present, I wish I hadn't heard some the things he had to say- I wish I hadn't been 5 months pregnant at the time either. My happily ever after seemed gone in an instant and I became a complete emotionless zombie for the next 5 weeks....replaying things repeatedly in my mind and crying and raging only when alone. I contemplated ending this whole thing- but couldn't bear for my children to come from a broken home. I prayed and went thru carnal stages where I wanted to and thought about getting my revenge. (Now I begin to see why God moved me 500 miles from everyone and everything I know! The ability to go thru with my sin would have been too easily achieved.)
     I thank God for his mercy. He kept me sinless and pure, though my heart was torn. I have no idea where or when He mended it, but I can say He has. I no longer dwell on what I had no control over. I'm not bent on destroying the lives of faceless names. I can say without a doubt that every word that passes between my husband and I are nothing short of absolute truth- no matter how painful it could be. We've discussed everything to death and like a broken bone- we may have gone through extreme pain for a time, but have been mended stronger than ever. I can now say I'm on my Cloud 9. My happiness, my euphoria, my contentment-it's not because of the handsome face I married, or the home in which I live or the amount of money I have (or don't have,lol!). It all comes from the One that never once let me down, Who gave me what I prayed so long for though He knew the pain it would cause me, the One who was there to pick up the pieces and put them back together. He has changed my heart, my maturity level and turned my heart away from myself and more on others and more importantly more genuinely on Him. I can never thank God enough for giving me everything I ever asked for (albeit it's not the way I pictured it in my head,lol) but it has all been given lovingly, with a lesson attached to it and a hope that goes before it. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

And the winner is......


Jessica is the winner of the Finding

Your Gift Giveaway!

Congratulations Mrs. Zubaly and I 

hope you enjoy the Jesus Freaks 


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Growing Pains

 Correction and Conviction

     2 words that are just that-words.....til they are used on you. Why is it that when we give out correction or are used by God to convict others, it doesn't sting as much as when you are the one being corrected and convicted?
     I believe the very root of the sin nature that is innate to all mankind stems from pride. It was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of Heaven (Ezekiel 28:17), it was pride ( and a bit of greed) that caused Eve to disobey God and go for that fruit (Genesis 3:6) and it's pride that tries to keep us from hearing loving correction. 
     It's quite easy to blow off a snippy comment from any old body; just chalk it up to rudeness and keep going the way you are going. But make it a convicting word from someone who loves knows you and knows better than you want to know yourself, and we are quick to wall our hearts up and lick our wounds.

Proverbs 15:32

"32 Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,
but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence."

     Think about it-even though the initial  "slap on the wrist" may hurt our feelings( our pride) in the end it is all for our greater good. If you see a child running into a street with a car coming at them, do you risk hurting their feelings by screaming their name and possibly embarrassing them? ABSOLUTELY!Why? Because you are saving their life and they hopefully will be more intelligent about the situation next time. If the correction is coming from someone you know loves you, put it up against His Word.Seek out for yourself if what they say is true and done in a loving way. If it is, thank them, swallow your pride and take what they've said and grow from it and learn. 

     You just may be a little smarter and more successful in your life because of it.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011


"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Rules the World."

     Did you ever hear this saying before? I had it on a bumper sticker on the back of an old car many years back when I was "so overwhelmed" with just my first 2 children. It was a gift to myself to remind me every time I loaded and unloaded a toddler,baby or groceries that I wasn't just a mom- I mattered and was somebody.

     Boy I wish I still had that bumper sticker!

     It's amazing how easily loving and encouraging others comes for me, but when it comes to loving and encouraging myself, it seems almost....wrong. At what point did I decide I was no longer worthy??

     Today my 4yr old son was playing this computer game that I'm none too fond of (long story- it's my husband's, suffice it to say) and there are these cartoonish zombies that go across the screen. My 5 year old daughter comes out of her room crying and asks me to get her brother to quit the game because these goofy zombies scare her. I agree and am fully prepared for a typical "NONONONONONOOOOOO!" temper tantrum. Instead he clicks it off immediately, takes her by the face and lovingly says," The zombies scare you? Den I will protect you from dem betuz you are my sister." I nearly fell off my chair and began crying. This is not a usual occurrence in our home- sweetness turns to insanity in 3 seconds flat and everyone is the fairness police. But this little boy's small act of unselfishness and kindness echoed the words of I Corinthians 15:58 like a shout into the Grand Canyon: 
     "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."KJV

     Another translation says:
"With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort." The Message
     It is deceptively easy for us as mothers to see our roles in motherhood as a "JUST"; we are "just" a mom or we are "just" raising a family. But think of it more as a "Because". Who do Oscar winners thank as they accept their little gold men? Who do NFL stars always make sure are taken care of first? Who are the first people blamed when the guy on the shrink's couch begins unraveling his life from memory?

     That's right: Mom. The adults of today are largely successful or unsuccessful, generous or stingy- heck even breathing or not because of one decision or another that their mothers made. Good or bad, we are who we are because of a lesson or 2 our mothers taught us- consciously or unspoken.My son chose to deny himself fun for the greater good of bringing his sister peace. That is a HUGE thing- especially for a 4 year old let alone anyone at any age- to grasp. It's easy to applaud him (which I did) and brag on how wonderful he was (which I did)...yet somehow it still seems almost wrong to take credit for his decision.

     But I will. Because I'm his mother. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Using The Fallen Wheat

Ruth used the wheat that the workers overlooked or dropped on purpose to benefit her family. In this section I will be posting things that are reasonably priced for sale that you may be able to use for your family in some fashion. If you have any questions, feel free to email me and I will get back to you promptly. God bless.

.25 each or $2 for a bundle of 10
items having coupons:
Eggland's organic eggs
Scrubbing Bubbles Cleaner
Kibble Select Dog food
Iams dog or cat food
Head and Shoulders
Clairol Hair color
Fat foam
Long John Silvers
Country Crock
Precise heat patch
Dove ice cream