To say that I have been struggling with my relationship status is the understatement of the year. I've struggled and battled brokenness and fear- paralyzing fear every single day. I am desperate to be loved, and it was in an angry moment of this desperation that yesterday I lashed out at God. I'm so ashamed that I finally did, but I am so grateful to Him for breaking my heart.
Yesterday I was in conversation and said,"You know- God says he knows everything we are feeling...every emotion. But He has never been a scorned and displaced housewife forced to have menial jobs to support 4 children."
"Very good," came the sarcastic reply."You one-upped God". I just rolled my eyes knowing that isn't possible but went on with my day.
Last night I couldn't sleep to save my life. At 2 am I went out to the dining room and sat alone in the dark on the floor in front of the blazing heater. And I talked to God. I poured out my heart and told him how unloved I feel. Again for the 2nd time this week I told him how I feel like a widowed orphan. I am not a top priority to anyone. No one is eagerly waiting to talk with me. No one is craving my affection. There is no one in this world who can't go a day without me-except my children. And I never want to diminish our love for each other, but I am specifically talking adults here. I will keep my heartfelt opinions to myself at this point because I know the people who will read this and only give me grief for it, and I do not need my heart scrutinized right now. Suffice it to say I told God I refuse to make a single move until I hear HIS voice-not thru others' suggestions and opinions on what I need to do- but HIS alone. I used to know his voice,and I am waiting on it again.
This morning I woke up and remembered a nightmare I had a month or 2 after my wedding. It was of my loving and very sober husband and he was drunkenly beating me with green beer bottles. I was cowering and telling him he had a problem and he needed to stop because he was scaring me and hurting me. I could literally feel every blow and shard of broken glass on my skin and he was screaming that I was the one with control problems. When I told my dream to him he seemed partially horrified and partially amused and assured me that would never happen, but if it did just to tell him "I don't even know you anymore" and he would return to the loving man I once knew.
Well, I don't know him anymore or anyone who used to be familiar for that matter. I don't even know myself anymore. All I know is God never changes, and he brought this dream to me to make this point: I arrogantly had the balls to say he has no idea what I'm feeling because he has never been a wife who has lost everything. But in my dream he gently one upped me-as he should, by forcing me to feel his heart. He does know what I'm feeling because he has been the Ultimate faithful. He has been the faithful husband to his adulterous church,his tainted bride. He has sent his people his word, his love songs and poetry in the forms of diamond like snowfall, bouquets of spring fields of wildflowers, passionate sunsets and sunrises; he has given us protection and healing and unending forgiveness. He as the Almighty has chased after us nobodies, unworthy of anything and everything He has ever done for us and we return it with half-arsed prayers asking for more, with chasing after other gods of better jobs and more money,nicer clothes, better educations. We have our eyes darting here,there, over there like a panicked deer running thru the woods instead of intoxicatingly fixed on Him.
So in a last ditch effort to show his unending love for us, what does he do?He sends his only son to be tortured and die to cover our sins and our shortcomings and our unfaithfulness so that at innocent and blameless Christ's expense, we the filthy rags might have a chance at perfection and glory.It was here that God took me in my dream to Golgotha and showed me the beatings,the flesh ripped from Jesus's back, the pierced side and the pools of blood flowing from throbbing limbs and aching muscles. Then He put my son's face there-my precious little miracle of a 7 year old son.And He said," Have you done this for the man you love?Have you stood by and for the love of your groom watched your only son's perfect blood spill over his cracked lips as he screamed out to you?Have you seen the fear and panic in his eyes as he mourned you turning your back on him-all for the sake of your love for a man who wouldn't love you back and was unfaithful to you?
No you haven't, but I have. I know heartache. I know desperation and brokenness and I know a void and pain in levels your entire being could never comprehend. I know it and endured it and allowed it for you. Now, tell me who is unloved? Who is eagerly waiting to hear My voice and talk with Me? Who can't go a day without me in their lives?Who sits and watches you go throughout your entire day and protects and blesses you and only hears a word from you if it's a request instead of adoration and love?