The Heart of Ruth: birthday

     Everyone thinks their baby is special, I'm no different. What I wonder is, how many of these babies will grow to know that they were important life lessons for their parents? My youngest was not 1 lesson learned, but 3 for me.

LESSON 1: PREGNANT WOMEN ARE CONSUMERS,NOT PATIENTS.

     I, like most people, had been inadvertently taught that Doctors are god-like. What they say goes.You don't ask questions and you don't stray from doctor's orders.When I had my first baby, I wanted it to be as natural and med free as possible-which is why I tried very hard to avoid physicians and stick to seeing the midwife as much as possible. When it came time to have her, my midwife was unavailable and the doctor told me I was measuring too big and had to be induced.(I should probably note here it was 4th of July weekend in NJ...so yeah...)Very long story short, after 1 12 hr induction, being sent home, another 7 hr induction and the doctor breaking my water without telling me- it was decided for me that I was to have a c-section. I will spare you the gory details of my panicked crying, the insulting / threatening anesthesiologist and the secret drug they gave me that warped and partially erased my memory.
     Suffice it to say I was scarred for years, mistrusting of doctors and heck bent on having a VBAC. After 2 more physician pressured sections, one that I believe nearly cost my son his life(it was too early to have him), I was blessed to meet Angie Nixon, a beautiful midwife from Scott Depot, WV. Even though my 3 section track record made her nervous, this angel took me on for a time with my 4th pregnancy and taught me that God has the final say/women definitely can say "no" (or at least "wait") and that pregnancy is not an illness to be cured from. By the time she referred me to the wonderful doctor who performed my 4th section, I was determined that no man was gonna tell me when he was going to cut me. Illness makes you a patient;pregnancy makes you a customer.I let him know nicely but very firmly this belief and he obliged. I waited 42 full weeks (to be sure she was absolutely full term) to give birth- and I'm so glad I did.

LESSON 2: IT'S NOT ABOUT ME

Before Caia, I felt something was wrong with me that I couldn't deliver naturally. I hated the surgery and even more the people that just had to remind me it's not how the baby gets here but that they got here at all that was important. True, but not true. If how they got here matters to the mother...then it absolutely matters! But each time I found myself blessed with a pregnancy, I saw it as a new opportunity to "get it right" this time. When we had my son we had just moved to WV( seriously- I was only here maybe a week) and the doctor I met assured me that once again for the size I was measuring,despite my being approximately 38wks, it was more than safe to deliver. Against the strongest internal NO! I've ever felt, I went once again with the doc. My son was born but within minutes it was determined he wasn't breathing right and his pulse was too fast. Yet another long story short, I was kept in the dark and denied nursing him for 7hrs- just about the time they decided to let me in on what was going on.He was taken 50 miles away to a bigger hospital that was equipped with a fully staffed state of the art NICU. It was 10pm and I wasn't allowed to go with him. I spent that first night feeling like my son was already dead. I demanded to be discharged the next day and from that day until his discharge on his 8th day of life, my husband and I (still recovering from my surgery) drove 100 miles a day to sit and stare at him in his oxyhood

and back home to the 2 little girls who never yet got to meet their brother. He is a fully functioning tornado of a miracle today at 4 yrs old, but his entry into this world made me realize that with my next baby, all my focus was going to be on her. It's not about proving I'm normal, or getting to experience something I was never meant to experience in pushing out the baby- and it was definitely not about trusting anymore doctors---but making every single decision based on her health and safety. Baby #4 ended up yet another section, but after much prayer and waiting on God's gentle nudge that now was the time. She was born a fully termed, happy, suckling 8lbs 10oz!

Not a thing wrong with her other than a bad case of baby acne, I am so grateful I traded the "me" for the "her"; she showed me just how amazing putting yourself last can be and the amount of blessings possible when you do.

LESSON 3: ENJOY EVERY MINUTE

With baby 1 my whole pregnancy was about how unready we were for her and the constant on/off arguing we were doing. With baby 2 it was about how was she gonna get here? Baby 3 I can barely remember the pregnancy because we were completely consumed with our preparations for our 500+ mile move. Not fun packing a whole house by yourself when you are hugely pregnant and home alone all day with 2 little girls under 3 yrs old!

With Caia I was determined to enjoy every single minute of every single day of my 42 week pregnancy. I can remember every queasy feeling, every kick and every disturbed look i got from people who came into my office at work only to see how frighteningly swollen my belly was when I came out from behind my desk (I was a breastfeeding counselor-I know...shocking,lol)I remember her delivery day, the smell of the OR, the beeping of the monitors and the piercing cry of a healthy baby girl. It was because of this decision to choose joy over any of my circumstances that we chose to name her Caia- because it means "to rejoice".

Jeremiah 15:16

"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty."

So today is my last day to be 20 something. I have had mixed feelings about turning 30 for a few months now. Aging gracefully has always been one of my goals, and by that I mean not running to the drugstore to hoard every anti-aging do dad i can find or coloring the few white hairs I have back to my dark brown. I could be sad that my still youthful 20's are gone. I could be angry I haven't experienced more of life. 2 of my goals to accomplish before turning 30 were to see another country and to own my own horse. I have failed miserably at both,lol.

I have chosen to be grateful. I am grateful that I am still here and that I have the chance to look forward to my 30th birthday tomorrow. The truth is, had it not been for the Lord I may have been forever 29. Not a whole lot of people know the whole story of my new found diabetic lifestyle. I think today is the best day to share it.

I have been warned my whole life to watch what I eat because basically my whole family is/was diabetic. And like a lot of diabetics, denial was their comfort and they continued to eat like there was never an issue. I was once told (in not so loving ways) that my weight was always gonna be an issue for me. I hated hearing that and denied it, but it is true. Some years I was scary thin with no muscle tone, some years I look healthy but pudgy. For the past 9 years I had been grotesquely overweight because my husband always tells me I'm beautiful, denied my being fat and food was just, fun. I thought i ate well- I don't drink soda, eat whole grains, love my veggies and fruit.... but it was not enough. Or maybe too much???

In May 2010 I began getting that feeling...like diabetes was lurking closer to me. That still small voice was getting louder with every run to Dairy Queen . But I had made it this far...surely I would make to at least 50 before it became a problem! By June I was having symptoms....migraines almost every everyday, so tired that living was just beginning to feel like it was too much,I miraculously lost 10lbs in 7 days no matter how nice a day it was i was always so HOT, and the weirdest/scariest symptoms of all were extreme itchiness and every time i began to stress out or yell i began bleeding---like i was having my period. That terrified me- especially because my aunt and my stepfather were fighting cancer and I had just recently lost my father-in-law to cancer. I scheduled a pap and it later came back normal. I explained to my Dr. my cancer fears and i was assured that wasn't the issue-- .I, like so many other women before me, was written off as hormonal ( which is doctor speak for ' I have no idea what's wrong with you, so rather than lose my god like status i will make you think you are inept at knowing your own body.')due to my just having given birth to my 4th baby in August. I don't buy it, but I accept it for the time being.

By the end of the month I am in full party planning mode for my eldest child's 7th birthday....but there would be a twist this year. It started when she began begging me for a pool- something i was not too keen on,but we relented and my mom gave us hers, only she forgot to give us the pump. I was unusually thirsty heading to her house to get the pump and stopped off for a soda ( which I've never been big on anyway). Within 15 minutes I was there and stopped in my mom's room to let her know i was there. For no apparent reason at all she asked to take my blood sugar- which again, I was not keen on. I DO NOT like needles of any kind or size, but I know my mom. It was best to just do it to get her off my back. *prick* ow. waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting....5:00. Why is she looking at me like that? I ask if she's ok.

Her mouth is agape and she's staring at me like I'm gonna explode. "What???" i ask. "Oh my God, my poor baby". OK, now I am getting annoyed. When is thing gonna give me a number and why is she looking at me like that??? Apparently this thing was not telling me it was 5:00, but rather that my blood sugar was 500! The next few hours become a blur of tears, serious denial, a fight between me and my mom over her not letting me drive home and my step dad insisting I go to the ER. I feel fine. I don't believe this is happening. I don't wanna hear it. I just came for a pump and I'm leaving a diabetic?!? ME- who watched every one's junk food intake, makes food from scratch and lives to eat whole grain and natural foods. At the ER i learn i am 232 lbs of denial and evil genetics. My sugar has come down a measly 30 points and I am refusing any kind of insulin. After a few hours of sitting, being poked some more and tears I come home to a husband who barely got the heads up as to what was going on before i left for the ER. I walk in an he hugs me with a pathetically weak smile and his best attempt at being reassuring. All I know is genetics suck.

I begin seeing Drs., or at least Spencer's version of such. The one is a physician's assistant who is gentle in telling me both what I already know and don't wanna hear. Thankfully though he tells me i can possibly hold this at bay or even change it with diet and exercise. He is kind but I feel hopeless. I stare at the bottle of my new meds( and if u know me at all I also hate Drs.,and medication) and just cry. I sit at breakfast with my family and just cry. I can't do this. I won't do this- if I do it makes it real. John points out whether or not i take this pill it IS real. I can either do what's right like I am aptly programmed to do, or I can deny like every other diabetic in my family. Is living "free and normal" worth losing limbs, heart disease, going blind or dialysis?? But what about Caia? I still nurse her! I cant wean her yet, it's not fair- the others got 2 ½ yrs!She's only 9 months old. I look at my kids who are looking back at me. My son who takes an allergy pill every nite goes," Don't worry mom, you are a big lady. Take your medicine". Sierra asks,"Don't you wanna see me forever?" Brianna goes, " yeah, cuz you'd look funny with no awms. How'd u hug us?" i swallow it crying.it's real now. no turning back. I am a diabetic.

6 days later i go to my appt. with an actual Dr. This fool is easily 50 lbs heavier than me- he can't even bring his leg up to his knee when he sits. He looks at my scores, which with the exception of my morning fasting scores are all below normal or within normal range, and tells me it's not good. I could stand to lose 50lbs, he ups my dosage despite my protests and suggests the easiest route would be to just take insulin because I am too far gone for diet and exercise to help me any. I angrily inform him I have never been one to take the easy route, I refuse the higher dosage and i storm out to the car where i begin bawling again. i can't take much more. I've heard my mother,grandmother, (heard of ) my aunt and grandfather all say how hopeless and hard this disease is. I am so angry I could scream. I've watched what John has warned me against happen to my family and I refuse to go down without a fight. i am gonna fight this thing for every diabetic that has or has wanted to give up because it was too hard, or they had a crappy Dr. and no support team- but mostly i was doing it for my family. I love my babies and husband more then life itself and I'll be darned if i die a victim.

In August I joined the local gym. Can't beat $25 a month and I go EVERYDAY for at least an hour. Big on cardio, trying to avoid weights. u want me to lose 50 lbs huh tubby? just watch me on this treadmill.....the look on your bloated face is worth every asthma attack i may endure!! I also change Drs. and set up to see a new one in September. By the end of the month I was 222lbs.

September 2010
The new Dr is nice but kinda emotionless- very matter of fact. He agrees I need to lose weight but disagrees with the insulin call....That's a last resort thing. He would like to see me below 200lbs by December. Will do doc. I join 2 separate Zumba classes and a kick boxing class. My week looks like this:
Monday: home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/kickboxing 5pm-6pm
Tuesday: home school 10am-3pm/ gym 4pm-5pm/zumba I 6pm-7pm/Zumba II 7pm - 8pm
Wednesday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/
Thursday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/zumba I 6pm-7pm/Zumba II 7pm - 8pm
Friday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/
Saturday: either gym from 12pm-1pm or home with family
Sunday: rest
I work out quite a bit, and the weird thing is I don;t lose weight...but i do lose inches....1-2 to be exact in my hips,waist and arms.....
October 2010
looks much like above except i lose 10 more lbs bringing me to 212. This is gonna take forever, but I can't stop now!
November 2010
I am continuing my workout regime but I know Thanksgiving is coming. People always worry about over eating and weight gain, but not me- I never cared anyway. Now I do. Between the end of October and Thanksgiving I have lost another 5 lbs! 207lbs,I remember when saying that out loud was a bad thing. How bad was my weight that it's now an achievement?!! I prepare Thanksgiving as I always have, but my plate is a salad plate, not a regular dinner one. On it I forgo the skin, and heap the veggies and 2 slices of turkey. Dessert is my sugar free french vanilla creamer in some skim milk with a sugar free chocolate chip cookie. yummy.The next day I weigh myself: 1 lbs gone!!! Hello 206, the last time I saw you I had just delivered Sierra....... I feel like I'll never be below 200 like the doc wants...i mean December 8th is so close and that's my next appointment......

December 2010
I get to the Drs and as i get up the scale everyone is telling me how wonderful i look. Just to drive my seriousness home i wore a workout outfit so i could get to the kickboxing class afterwards. i go to read the scale but the dang thing is in kg's.....they look at it in disbelief and ask me to step off. I worry so i slip of my sneakers. back on the number is less. I ask what it is in lbs. they push a button and it pops up: 196!!! I haven't been 196 since i graduated high school almost 15 yrs ago!! The Dr is so impressed and pleased he prints out a chart of my past weights and show just how far I've come. He all but hi fives me,lol. We set the goal now for 180lbs by mid April. i am fairly dancing into my kickboxing class.
January 2011
John's work schedule changes to 7 straight days of 12 hour shifts, 5pm to 5am, then a week off. This screws up my workouts. The weeks he works he sleeps til 1 while i try to run the house and teach school, then i have to be out the door by 2 and choose between running errands or working out because he leaves at 4:30. Oh the joy of sharing 1 vehicle and not having a babysitter anymore....but, on his weeks off i kill it to make up for my sloppy performance the week before. I am 193 by the end of this month.

February 2011
I am down 7 inches on my waist and 3 lbs more. I have no plans to slow down or stop....I have even gone so far as to purchase an Ab Circle and the PS3 game Zumba Move so that when I'm stuck at home i have no excuses. I hope to reach my goal of 180 by the end of March...I'm kind of an optimist anymore,lol.

Well, I didn't quite reach that goal, but I am close. As a woman, I am gonna break 2 cardinal rules at the same time: reveal my age and weight at the same time. Tomorrow I will be 30 years old and 188lbs. I'm not ashamed, especially considering where I have come from. I haven't been this weight since I graduated high school!This is why I am grateful. I could be dead right now. My dad was diabetic and slipped into a coma after having his sugar hit somewhere between 500 and 700. He's gone now. Now i can see why the hospital staff were in shock that my symptoms weren't worse and that I was able to walk and talk at 500. Who knows what my stress bleeding meant?! I had always felt like I was gonna die young and I told my husband and mom that. They hated hearing it, but it was such a strong feeling I didn't want it to be a shock if they found me dead. I don' t feel that anymore. God gave me my life back for my birthday.