Sunday, August 19, 2012


"I'd rather stand alone with God knowing my heart, then in a crowd of thousands who can only assume they know."
"Taking the high road is often heart wrenching, and misunderstood. I wish there was more traffic there though."
"I should b shocked but I'm not; its called the End Times. I pray that b4 ppl believe the slander they will ask me first. Every coin has 2 sides."

     As I sit here and write this, tears are flowing down my face.I know that I have been off here for far too long. I have been so wrapped up and preoccupied by my own trials and pain and heartache, I just haven't had it in me to write. This is no excuse. The whole point of this blog was to find my purpose in this world and use it to glorify God in any way I could. My everyday life seems so insignificant until I find that it has somehow touched or blessed someone. Well here it goes.
     I wrote the above sayings in italics on my personal Facebook page when I was going through a VERY painful time this past February. I have debated on whether or not to even say the words for fear of backlash and criticism, but let's be honest- I get criticized frequently. It hurts beyond words but I have grown accustomed to it; I am tired of being hurt nonetheless.In the past 6 months I have been accused of being cold, hard-hearted, a bad mother, a whore, a gold digger and as of last night it was hinted around that I might have thief tendencies. As sick and tired as I am of these seemingly never ending false and quite frankly insulting accusations it has truly helped me understand Jesus as Man here on Earth:

"He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!"  Isaiah 53:3-4(NLT)

     A man of sorrows. That is an incredible and incredibly heart breaking description for someone who is Lord of all., but at the same time it's comforting. You see, Jesus' whole purpose in his 33 years on the Earth He created was to be an example. He was an example that it is possible, albeit extremely difficult to live a righteous life. Notice I never said perfect or blameless. No, He never did anything wrong- but He was frequently a target of false and blasphemous accusations.He was tested and people tried to catch him in hypocrisy and lies.His life must have been so filled with hurt and pain from the stress that others tried to cause Him. He was perfect and blameless, but His life was not. If it had been, then EVERYONE would have been able to see and understand who He was and IS; very few people got Him either. The ones He kept closest to Him followed Him around everyday, and even they let Him down at times. One even orchestrated His arrest and in turn, His death.
     But what does verse 4 say? It wasn't punishment from God that afflicted Him, it was the weight of everyone's sorrows that weighed Him down. He carried the afflictions of those around Him so much and so deeply that it appeared as though He was just this miserably despised human being. 
     I dedicated all of last year to the Lord. My whole life and being and purpose on this Earth. I prayed protection over my children and the ones I loved as I delved deep into this blog and used my life as a living testimony any way I could.
      And then began the firestorm.
     The lies. The scorn. The rumors. I faced losing my children, but the truth prevailed and they are still with me. I have lost friends, but I guess they never really knew me anyway. Family have destroyed my spotless reputation with people I have been trying to get to know and pray for and be friends with, before these people ever got a chance to really know me. And most painful of all, I've been accused of not trying hard enough and seeking all avenues to save my marriage.
     But people didn't know Jesus and I guess they don't know me. No one but God saw how many times I cried, how many migraines I endured, how many phone calls and web searches I made to try and save it. No one but God saw how far I went and how low I felt in trying to be my everything's One and Only. At one of my lowest points I found myself in a consultation with a plastic surgeon.
Someone I love dearly has told me countless times to keep my head up. When I am falling apart, they have lifted my head and said "This is where your head belongs." But I gotta tell ya, it feels impossible to keep my head held high while I'm being continuously kicked. I had to go back a few minutes ago and re-read one of my own posts,When Everything Falls Apart. There's no doubt I'm going through a storm; it dies down for a little bit but it always swells right back up- it never ends. But like the post says, God didn't cause this pain so I won't blame Him, but I know He's here watching it all and I trust He'll plant my rainbow in the sky someday.