Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cloud 9

     Being on Cloud 9, in theory sounds like a great thing. When I looked up the history behind the phrase, it became very clear that there is no 1 certain derivation. Some think it comes from the Buddhist belief in 
Bhodisattva, or enlightenment. Supposedly when you get to stage 9, all things are done unselfishly. Some believe that it is actually based on the actual fluffy fiends up in the sky, with Level 9 being the highest one could ascend to, approximately 30,000-40,000ft above. No matter where it came from, I think we can all agree that it basically means "to have a contented and euphoric feeling".
     I just find it very odd that such a simple phrase that most people know its meaning have no idea where it began. I think a lot of people are the exact same way with marriages- hence the divorce rate being 50%. What I mean by this is,  when a couple decides to marry, they assume things won't  drastically change, that they will gain happiness and contentment and a sense of completion from getting married...and therefore (some,not all) put more emphasis,time and work into the wedding than the marriage itself. This would stand to make it seem that they believe their "Cloud 9" state begins on their wedding day- or even back at the proposal.

     I don't claim to know everything (heck, there are days I'm amazed I know anything!) but for me personally, my Cloud 9 began today at midnight, on my 9th wedding anniversary. Though we had always gone to the same school and probably even played together as children, my husband and I didn't officially meet and become a couple until 3 months before my graduation (gasp! yes, I know I'm the older one by almost 2yrs). We dated for 2yrs and were engaged another year or year and a half before marrying in 2002.As always, I believed mine was the most handsome,flawless perfect guy in the world-he was different.

     No, he wasn't.

     Reality set in a few weeks after the honeymoon literally ended. This guy that I had known for over 3 years and who I  honestly seemed to have every single minute detail in common with suddenly began having opposing views on everything. Though I knew he loved me deeply, he wasn't as attentive as when we were dating. I often joked he was having an affair with his Playstation2- that she was a sleek, teasing black little thing that was always there when he wanted her..turned on or off at his whim.Lol. He was messy, angered easily and his mind always seemed to be somewhere else. I overlooked what I deemed to be his "guy faults", but it was really beginning to agitate me. I soon found myself a stay at home mommy to a little girl, lonely and bored with nothing more constructive to do than get online and blog my selfish and immature woes.
     Everyday I prayed that this man would change back to the flawless boyfriend I had lost somewhere between the alter and Epcot on our honeymoon.I wanted him to grow up and be the man I thought I deserved-funny thing is my prayers were going to be answered sooner than I thought, and it was gonna be the best but most painful lesson I'd ever learn. It was also going to reqvuire that I change also- don't worry,it was for the better.
     Very long story short, my faith and love and strength were tested 2 years ago when my husband unloaded a TON of confessions on me. He felt like God was basically following him around for months just convicting and convicting and convicting him to let go of his secrets and  sins. When he finally did this, it was completely out of left field for me. I had no warning and no idea I was going to be playing the part of a priest- hearing every horrible thing he could remember from his childhood up to the present. I wish he hadn't started at the present, I wish I hadn't heard some the things he had to say- I wish I hadn't been 5 months pregnant at the time either. My happily ever after seemed gone in an instant and I became a complete emotionless zombie for the next 5 weeks....replaying things repeatedly in my mind and crying and raging only when alone. I contemplated ending this whole thing- but couldn't bear for my children to come from a broken home. I prayed and went thru carnal stages where I wanted to and thought about getting my revenge. (Now I begin to see why God moved me 500 miles from everyone and everything I know! The ability to go thru with my sin would have been too easily achieved.)
     I thank God for his mercy. He kept me sinless and pure, though my heart was torn. I have no idea where or when He mended it, but I can say He has. I no longer dwell on what I had no control over. I'm not bent on destroying the lives of faceless names. I can say without a doubt that every word that passes between my husband and I are nothing short of absolute truth- no matter how painful it could be. We've discussed everything to death and like a broken bone- we may have gone through extreme pain for a time, but have been mended stronger than ever. I can now say I'm on my Cloud 9. My happiness, my euphoria, my contentment-it's not because of the handsome face I married, or the home in which I live or the amount of money I have (or don't have,lol!). It all comes from the One that never once let me down, Who gave me what I prayed so long for though He knew the pain it would cause me, the One who was there to pick up the pieces and put them back together. He has changed my heart, my maturity level and turned my heart away from myself and more on others and more importantly more genuinely on Him. I can never thank God enough for giving me everything I ever asked for (albeit it's not the way I pictured it in my head,lol) but it has all been given lovingly, with a lesson attached to it and a hope that goes before it. 

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