My Prayer

originally posted December 29,2012

 " While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God."Hebrews 5:7NLT

Father,
I want to start out by apologizing. I want to humbly ask your forgiveness for every sinful thing I have done/said/thought based on this immense pain in my life. Even if the sin was unintentional or unknown at any time, I still ask your forgiveness. There is never any excuse for unrepentant sinning. I ask that you remove the consuming anger  I have towards those who continue to hurt me and  drag my reputation through the mud. Please restore me from having a heart of stone towards some to a heart of flesh towards all. I realize that this means I will continue to feel the sting of rejection and others' pain at times as they lash out at me in their own suffering. Allow my life to be an example,once again, of your never ending love and patience towards an undeserving world.  Please cleanse my heart and mind and renew a right spirit within me.

Jesus I ask that you please cover my children and all who sleep under my roof at any given point with your protecting hand. Cover them with your wing, as a mother bird shelters her fledglings from the storm. Please let my house, no matter where it may be, be a home and feel as such to all who enter it.

God, I know you have seen my suffering.I never questioned where you were in the past- you were always there with me, just as you are with me now and are already with me in the future. Please take away these unbearable and incessant feelings of fear( of what the future holds and what I cannot control), loneliness, depression, heartache,shock and brokeness. God, please restore my peaceful sleep again. Reverse this horrible insomnia that is eating away at my health and whatever shred of peace I am blessed with in my nightly state of unconsciousness. Grant me strength in my body again and protect me from myself. From eating unhealthily, from thoughts of committing crimes of irreversible damage to the temple you have designated to be my body for the time being.

Jesus I'm suffering so much right n
ow. My soul feels like it is dying everyday. I have never felt the weight of my own tears so strongly as they thud rapidly against my hands and run down to the desk into a cooled puddle. It actually startles me. They flow so freely and from such a sense of agony from somewhere within me, it's like what I'm going through and what I know to be the causes of this pain aren't even scratching the surface; it's as if my tears come from a secret reservoir of despair that even I don't know existed. Then again, maybe they just come from almost 2 decades of trying to be strong and carry on in my own strength. Maybe my soul is just plain...weary.
Jesus, I don't know what has happened to the life that I thought was safe and normal. You do. I don't know how I have gotten here to this point.You do. I don't know where I'll be in the future, who, if any, will be standing by my side supporting and loving me.You do.Please let this be enough for me- to know that You do, and You are already there. Let me never be swayed, or give up living this Christian Life.It is SO hard. I am judged not just by the unsaved, but by those who claim to be Yours- and these judgments cut so much further in me....

I praise you for being God. Against this awkward feeling of trying to give thanks when I can't see a thing to be grateful or happy for, I praise you. I praise you for having my life planned out and and I ask you to open my eyes to see and recognize the angels and guides you send into my life that are there to nudge me in the correct narrow direction.Please be with me in all my decisions,actions and words.Guide me as I try to guide my children. Keep us all safe from harm and please don't let my past mistakes and sins affect,scar or sway my babies from the Way Everlasting.
In Jesus' Name.

Starting Over

It's been a long journey-one that I had never in my wildest dreams or nightmares ever planned on taking and I am so very thankful that during the darkest and scariest times, I've never once been alone-although it most definitely felt like it most of the time.

I am nowhere near the end of this journey, I don't think I get that privilege until I finally leave this earth.Life is about ever learning and growing. I've kept another blog-a private one-that I'm not ready to reveal all my posts from. But it was revealed to me in a dream the other night that perhaps it's time to stop being so afraid and ashamed of the road I'm on...because really, aren't we all on a journey and going through storms?

So I will be posting 1 or 2...3 if I ever feel adventurous enough....posts from that blog, here and there. I never figured that when wrote that "the Journey is too long to go it alone" that I would be writing to myself big time.

So I guess that's it for now. The next few posts I put up will be from my other blog, in the order that I wrote it in. I pray this doesn't blow up ion my face somehow and that it can be used to heal someone's heart and mind, somewhere.
God bless.

Realization and Resolving

                                             

When I sat down at my keyboard nearly 3 years ago and resolved to make my 30th year all about the Lord and my service to him, I never in my worst nightmares would have dreamt I would be where I am today. Absolute service to the Lord doesn't not come without a price. I could say I have lost everything. I want to say that, but I can't. I have a roof over my head still, and my precious children. I have food to eat and a warm, albeit highly uncomfortable bed to sleep in at night. But one thing that I've lost that I never realized I had was security.

When you live with and are in love with someone who lies chronically, you would think there is no security, but there is- a weird sense of it anyway. You begin to learn patterns and those patterns are predictable and in turn make you feel a sick sense of security. In my case it went: get caught in a lie, eek out a partial truth , call him on it a few days later, eek out more truth; all in all discovering the full truth to any of his lies took about a week to 2 weeks. Then there's the constant checking of history buttons and cell phones, checking pants and coat pockets and always trying to catch up or stay a step ahead. I'm not gonna lie, it was exhausting...but predictable and in between his lies and my hurt or anger were some of the best times I could have asked for.

As is human (read:idiot) nature, we are never truly content with what we have. There's always gotta be something more or better. I swore that me and these children deserved better than what the lies and mistrust were doing to us. I believed I deserved better than what the full truth finally revealed one night. Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. All I know is that in this line of thinking I traded all the beautiful times in addition to the head games for what I thought and was convinced was the better plan God had for me. I mean I was so sure my compensation for years of this crap and finally discovering he had been unfaithful years ago (and never said a word) was standing right in front of me gift wrapped in every prayer I had ever cried....and here I sit now at 4:24am- alone in my room. 

ALONE.

Let me tell you, when the devil does it, he does it all the way. I am ashamed and broken that I didn't know or see it. All I saw was happiness and freedom and trust and this life I had always wanted right there. For a brief time I got to taste it and experience everything I had missed out on in life. Now I realize too late that it wasn't a hand wrapped gift from God but an exchange for my security and peace of mind from the top of a pinnacle (Matthew 4:8-10).

I don't know what God has planned for me now. My heart knows He still loves me, though He's sad and disappointed in me. I've always known and done better- but that's because I've never been shaken and blindsided like this before. It's not an excuse, I should have been prepared & on my game, but I wasn't. My best friend destroyed me and in turn I destroyed myself some more. My head isn't too sure God wants anything more to do with me. There are days it feels like things are getting better and His forgiveness of me is there...but most days my greatest achievement is deciding to get out of bed and doing so. Everyday is a struggle, a fear a fight...a replay of guilt and shame and anger and hopelessness. I desperately need a sign that He's still there and does still want me even though no one else does. To know that I'm still His...a small victory in my life...anything that steers me from believing my life was just a huge waste and a set up for failure. 

Today is May 26th, 2014. In 8 days I will be 33 years old. 33 is very important to me for a few reasons. 

• First off, it's the age when everything Jesus had been learning and preparing for culminated in the death of his physical self and the gateway to God opened for us.
•  The divine name Elohim appears 33 times in the story of creation in the opening chapters of Genesis.
• Jesus performed 33 recorded miracles. 
• When Jesus was 8 days old he was circumcised- a Jewish practice that set him apart as one of God's people. 33 is the number of days following the circumcision of the foreskin of the child where the mother had to purify her blood, according to the law of Moses. (Lev 12,4-8)
• The number 33 is connected to a promise or the promises of God. The 33rd time Noah’s name is used in Scripture is when God makes a special covenant or promise with him. The Eternal promises to not destroy the entire world again with a flood and seals His pledge with the sign of the rainbow (Genesis 9:12 - 16).

I've always had the feeling that my 33rd year was going to be my most important, but for what reason I don't know. Maybe this will be the year I will finally become what God has intended for me to become. Maybe I have lived all my other years just to get to this year.

I am vowing today, now at 5:04am to live this moment and throughout my 33rd year wholly for the Lord. I will put His desires before my own, His will to be done before my own. I know there's going to be trials and most likely I am going to weaken and fear again, but I pray that in his strength I won't break. All I ask of Him is that He surround my 4 beautiful children with a wall of protection and fiery Guardian angels on every side- that they will not be harmed,hurt or touched in anyway and if He sees fit- that they always be with me where I can hold and love and protect them. My life is yours Lord. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse and for richer or poorer, til death do I part and finally rest safe and secure in your arms.

Humbly Asking for Help

These words have never been more true than right now. I can't do this alone anymore.

When I began this blog, it was never ever intended to be a money maker. I plainly stated that it was to be used to encourage,help and empathize with hurting people. I was going thru my own trials and pain, and believe me when I say I had no clue how far the pain would take me. My entire world is different, and yet somehow the core remains the same- my God and my children.

This being said I'm going to quit beating around the bush and just say what this post is about. I need help and I have never been good at asking for help. I normally wait until I get to a very bad breaking point and just cry out for someone-anyone to help. I don't like bothering or inconveniencing anyone. My mentality has always been DIY (at least when it comes to me). Well now, it has less to do with me and more to do with my children. I need to make sure this house can't be taken away from us. Everything is explained on the GoFund me page and I am more than willing to answer any questions you may have.





If somebody-anybody- would be good enough to find it in their heart to donate whatever they want or can to this fund, words cannot express the gratitude I would have. Thank you so much and God bless.

GIIC

 

 originally written on my Facebook under Notes

 

October 1, 2013 at 9:39am

     so, at the risk of setting myself up to look like a huge hypocrite....
i began reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere last week. not gonna lie, watching it on the computer was easier and slightly less convicting. In the past year, my life has gone from a looking like a fairy tale on the outside to a downright nightmare on every side. There is definite fear,anger,bitterness,worry etc....and I’m not saying that i may never take to another cryptic update in a moment of sheer desperation to release some of the heartache and pressure. But i will say this: GIIC. "God is in Control".
     He saw everything that has happened and will happen b4 the foundations of the world were ever put into place. He needn't check in with us to make sure we can handle our situations or even like them and be sure-it will all come out in the end to be for His glory. Because HE is God and is worthy of that Glory and if we stay focused on Him and not the storm around us (and we will fail at this at some point) and not let others' actions and words offend us and cause bitterness, great will be our reward.
     My role models are no longer poets or super moms or close friends. They are Joseph- who though he was shown in a dream his future place of power, was robbed of his family,his name, his inheritance and his freedom and kept in a damp dark box of a dungeon for a crime he never committed- and still managed to forgive they that put him there and offer the best he had to them. Why? Because he took his eyes off of himself and the fact that he had every reason to hate and put his eyes on his Creator, and the fact that he had ever responsibility to love.

     They are David, who soothed Saul's restless spirit with music and was welcomed into his army and family, then because of jealousy was hunted like a deer for years to the point of hiding in a cave. He had more than 1 opportunity to take the life of the man that was trying to take his and instead of plotting against him and cursing him, called the man who tried to unjustly kill him "father".(1Samuel 24:11) When word of Saul's death finally came, David didn't breathr a sigh of relief,or reward the man that killed him or feel vindicated. He had the nation learn of a song of love and respect and taught them to sing it in reverence & honor.(2Samuel 1:17-27)

      But most of all, they are Jesus- who unlike US who wait for a sincere apology  before we forgive- forgave us before we could ever conceptualize that we needed it. Think about that. What if Jesus HAD waited for an apology? Not one of us born after his death and resurrection would stand a chance.HE decided on that forgiveness before his Creation ever had the chance to turn on him, and praise God for that. Forgiveness doesn't mean you suddenly don't care what the other person did. It doesn't mean everything is made back to the way it was. And it certainly doesn't mean you decide to remain in the chaos because that's what you did before and it seemed alright at the time. It simply means you release.
     Release the offender from owing you. Release yourself from guilt and shame. You release the bitterness, resentment and anger that is undoubtedly choking the life out of you and your relationship with God. Forgiveness isn't a band-aid that covers the wound, it's the air that releases the infection from eating you up. SO today, i take the first step to release it all. i don't want things the way they were. I want them better. I don't want excess, i want just enough. And I don't want revenge, i want freedom. But most of all, i want Jesus, and I want Peace. Pray for me.