1P2:9

Last night my oldest daughter was screaming for me around 3am, awakened by a nightmare. Part of that nightmare became a reality when she awoke to find every streetlight and porch light on our block- even the ambient glow from grocery stores over the hills were no longer visible from her window. 

We were in the midst of a complete blackout.

Not having had experienced one of these in over a year and a half, the pitch black and deafening silence scared her and I stumbled out of bed towards her room to bring her comfort. It wasn't until I had tripped over a toy truck my son left in my room, my husband's work boots and simultaneously jammed my pinky toe & elbow against her door frame that I realized I too was a bit nervous and in need of comfort. After a brief chat about the ins and outs of power surges and the effects of everyone in Roane County running their A/C's at the same time, she was lulled back to sleep by my stroking her hair and face.

I got up to head back to my room and in the process fell over and stepped on more than one sharp object, un-put away t-shirt and plastic doll. In frustration at my blindly stumbling in darkness I decided to close my eyes, try to remember the layout of her room to mine with all it's lived in "clutter" and put my hands out willing Jesus to lead me back safely to bed.

And it worked!

Sometimes we think just because we are familiar with our present situations that we can find our own way, never realizing that yes, the situations are familiar but the circumstances are different. I know my room and the path to my girls' room, but under these darkened circumstances I tripped and stumbled more than I ought to have. It wasn't until I closed my eyes and literally let go and let the Lord lead me did I make it to my peace and rest safely. Now the phrase "let go and let God' means something more to me because he showed me in the physical realm what it should mean to me in the spiritual realm. It's like Judy the elf from the movie The Santa Clause said: "Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing."

That's exactly what Faith is.

We all need Somebody to Lean on

  

    Here's an interesting thought: there is no such thing as being truly independent. There is no such thing as being self made. Everybody- and I don't care how big of a lone wolf you are- depends or relies on SOMEBODY. Even if you grow your own food, make your own clothes, use candles instead of electricity and hunt for what you eat and wear... you didn't make your own gun or bow and arrows, you probably didn't make the hose or well that syphons the water to feed your crops and you didn't make the needle and thread that is holding your clothes together. 

     Most of us aren't that extreme Jeremiah Johnson types...but we pride ourselves on being able to do things on our own better alone than without the interference of others. Not all of us, but some. I'm big time guilty on this one. I can't stand to have help til I'm overwhelmed, then I freak out that no one ever helps me! It's sad, I know, but I'm working on it.

     All this came to me today as I am getting ready to get my A1c done. I worry every few months that my score isn't gonna be good enough and I will be knocked into a more severe tier of being diabetic. When I started this journey I was a workout fiend- gym everyday for hours on end, kickboxing, 4 Zumba classes a week etc.... but it was a different time then, there was no one to home school since it was summer and I had more help and free time.Not so much now. I go to Zumba or the gym when I can and continue to slowly and steadily lose weight. Apparently this impresses people and I've become a sort of inspiration to others. That's very encouraging and flattering for me, but being totally honest I always felt like i was allowing a lie when people said something like "Wow, it's amazing how you've done this all on your own!" and I haven't corrected them.  Even when I do they usually say something along the lines of,"Well, you know what I mean". and I do...but still, it's NOT true.

     There is no way I could have come as far as I have all on my own! There are obvious people who played an important role in my so-far-success...people like my Dr. for listening to my concerns and taking them seriously, the nurses who encourage me and compliment my shrinking looks every time I come in, the phlebotomist who takes my blood, the lab that screens my sugars, the Zumba instructors who come out every week and have a class ready and put together for people ready for a body change....even people like my own kids who say sweet things like they can now get my arms around me and my husband for listening to every fear,cry,complaint and  pound lost.

     Then there are the less thought of people like Pillsbury. Laugh if you will, but imagine suddenly having a condition where you have to just stop most of your favorite foods and desserts cold turkey. Doesn't seem like a big deal til that first craving- are you gonna fall off the wagon and roll in guilt or stay on and be resentful? That's where Pillsbury came in. I gave up my beloved brownies and homemade cupcakes cold turkey...and was resentful. I can honestly say I never once cheated...and the Lord blessed me( see, He cares, even by answering  "insignificant" prayers) by having a baking company that is the only one around that makes sugar free cake and brownie mix. Now I can have my favorite desserts again, in moderation of course!

     See, I'm sure Pillsbury had no idea when they were forming their company that they knew they would end up being the answer to a newly diabetic's prayer someday in 2011- but they were. I rely on them to continue making their products when I have my cravings, they rely on customers like me to continue faithful buying. This is just one example. I rely on the cable company to entertain my family, the postal service to get my bills to me and back out on time, the gas station to not run out of gas...I even depend on you to let me know that writing these blogs is not for naught. As a dear friend pointed out the other, would all these writings make a difference even if I don't end up with thousands of followers and fans- if they only were to touch 1 person and uplift them and help them??? The answer is absolutely! If I just touch 1 life and have made a difference, then that makes all the difference to me between true blogging and just journaling.

     We all depend on somebody,like it or not. Sorry it's just the way it is. Truth is truth, whether you believe it or not. 

Seasons

From time to time I may feature a post I had written from my old Xanga blogs. Some day I plan on printing out each entry and  making a "Remembrance Book" for my children, so they can one day know their mother's heart. At any rate, here is one I wrote this year and it's one of my favorites:

Yet another season of change has blown thru our home, thankfully almost completely uneventfully: my little girl Caia, my baby, has moved into her own bed.
      All of my children have co-slept with us. Sierra was one of the hardest. She had to go thru a literal process- by that I mean it started from our bed to her crib next to the bed, to one wall of the crib down so she could roll from bed to crib and back again at will.After that came the fun of moving it about 2 inches at a time from week to week til she was in the next room. 
     Brianna couldn't wait to have her own bed- she literally would either climb outta her crib and fall on her face every morning or shake the crib so violently that it finally broke. Johnny by far was the worst. He did not take the eviction well at all- especially since it was almost simultaneous with me weaning him, my new part time job and being newly pregnant with Caia. Yeah, so after a week of his blood curdling screams that lasted hours on end, (i kid you not) I spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of my 42 week pregnancy sleeping on his floor by his bed like Lassie- some nights holding his tight little fist.
     But Caia, she is a tough little cookie but by far the easiest transition we've ever had. She loves her bed, a little too much maybe. She thought it was an awesome new toy the whole evening til bedtime. Then for an hour after bed she thought it was hilarious, this new game of crawl- outta- bed-mommy- puts- me- back. It wasn't until i realized my sitting by her bed somehow made it a game  did it become not so fun for her. I'd now put her in bed and go sit on my bed. When she went to join me it was a sweet,"It's bedtime my love", hug n kiss and tuck her in. Hubby kept count how many times this had to take place for her to get it. By 4 she was no longer laughing.By 7 she was full on screaming in protest. By 10 she would crawl out, look warily at me- waiting for me to cave (rarely do i ever cave). By 11 she sat up ready to crawl out again, then decided just to lay down and was out within minutes. She did wake up a few more times before 5 am, but the screaming was a minimum.
By the 2nd night, the only tears flowing in heartache were my own. I couldn't believe she had taken to the bed so quickly. Tonite it was as if she has always had her own bed and I'm the one to be horribly lonely every other week. See when my hubby goes to work at night i used to snuggle with Caia. Now i have no one and nothing- the dog won't even stay in my room long enough to snuggle,lol. I know she is only 7 feet away but i may not be able to have anymore children due to always having c-sections and now being diabetic. i don't know what God has in store for me...but in the case that she is my last baby, this precious time of nursing and cuddling in bed and smelling her sweet milky baby breath is quickly coming to a close- like Winter melting into Spring. I am going from having 2 kids and a baby and a toddler to somehow 3 big kids and a little kid! I am grateful that God has allowed my children to come so far and grow this much...and I pray they continue to do so, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.
     It seems like since last year so many seasons in my life have changed...it becomes hard sometimes. Going from what I thought was a healthy person to a diabetic rocked my world. Now i see I am healthier now than I ever was thanks to the diabetes forcing my fat butt out of the house and into the gym, where (at -42lbs) it is becoming a sculpted and steadily shrinking tush,lol.  The house that I have loathed for 4 years here in WV now has a room I love- the bathroom,lol- thanks to a $120 redecorating job from Walmart.I'd give anything to get rid of the nasty claw foot tub this place came with and get a brand new one...but my tub phobia is the topic of another blog for another day,lol. Until we can afford one, I suppose I will just continue to shower in my socks :). 
lol. That's not really a whole lot of time to fully grasp the immensity of life,seasons of change and eternity.
But I guess it's as good a place to start as any. Hopefully I will have discovered my purpose and fulfilled my destiny by 33, like Jesus. †

Clothes make the man, uh, I mean Woman

 VS

I don't know why, but I had a lot of difficulty in writing this post. Maybe because I don't want to offend anyone. Maybe because I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe just because it's quarter after 3 in the morning and I've had 4 hrs of sleep in the past 2 days.... but I am curious as to what your thoughts are when you picture a woman in jeans vs a woman in a skirt?

     At the risk of sounding like I've totally ripped off my dear friend Crystal's blog (I haven't, if nothing else she inspired me GREATLY in this) I decided to challenge myself the way she did and wear a skirt or dress for 1 week. I could shorten this post quite easily by saying just read her entry, because I had the exact same experience, but then I may lose readers,lol. If you know me, you definitely know 2 things: 1-I'm a jeans girl. Faded,ripped,boot cut, baggy, patched...I love em all. And 2- I am fiercely defiant towards anyone who says women HAVE to wear skirts for any reason.

     That being said, I went into this experiment feeling strangely awkward. Going to a private Christian school my whole life and being the daughter of a very feminine mother I am no stranger to skirts. In fact I've grown up loving them. Somewhere around my teen years I began to pride myself on being just as rough,tough and strong as any male counterpart. I loved the feeling of running hard after a soccer ball or getting banged up playing aggressive basketball or street hockey. Falling out of trees and climbing tall dirt piles was just fun.I wore my bruises proudly like badges. With this tomboy-esqe behavior came my love of jeans, because let's be honest, somethings you just can't do in a dress! But as I got older and entered my 20's I began to wonder if people could see me as girly- a word that was right up there with the darkest of 4 letter words to me. "Girly" conjured up images of airheadedness, vanity, inane giggling and WEAKNESS. Ever see Pink's video for "Stupid Girls"? Yeah...that's what we're talking about here. But something still yearned for the old fashioned Southern ways of how a lady is supposed to be treated.

     So I tried this experiment. I hadn't worn a skirt in over a year- and I haven't worn a dress since my wedding. But I figured with all the weight I've been losing my much needed shopping excursion could included a few skirts...so off to Maurice's I went on my birthday. To make a very long story short, I got 2 skirts that were very feminine yet didn't lose my style- one was long and heavy and black. The other was white, with a short,jagged, flowy black bandanna design. The look on my husband's face when he saw me was priceless- it was like he was seeing me for the first time again...and this is a man who will fight fiercely beside me for my right to wear jeans! Friday I went to Fashion Bug and bought my first little black dress and another skirt, along with some accessories and flip flops. I have to tell you, the feminine treatment
     I've longed for has been found and at the same time I feel like my strength and ability to care for myself as needed is like a secret weapon. I get smiles and glances in stores and on the street, doors opened for me, extra help by gentlemen whether or not I need it and my husband has given me greatest compliment tonight. As he was going back to work from his break he said," You know, I've always loved you.And I love how I'm not afraid that you couldn't defend yourself or our family if needed. But I gotta tell ya,( and wrapping his arms completely around my waist) between the way you're shrinking and the flowy girly skirts....it makes me feel this overwhelming need to protect you ."  I smiled so big my cheeks hurt,lol. In my pursuit to just be a bit more feminine, I had made him feel more masculine, more needed. Wow. 

Take a look at his "impossible " model of a woman:

^{10 [b]}Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
      She is more precious than rubies.
   ¹¹ Her husband can trust her,
      and she will greatly enrich his life.
   ¹² She brings him good, not harm,
      all the days of her life.

   ¹³ She finds wool and flax
      and busily spins it.
   ¹⁴ She is like a merchant’s ship,
      bringing her food from afar.
   ¹⁵ She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
      and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

   ¹⁶ She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
      with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
   ¹⁷ She is energetic and strong,
      a hard worker.
   ¹⁸ She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
      her lamp burns late into the night.

   ¹⁹ Her hands are busy spinning thread,
      her fingers twisting fiber.
   ²⁰ She extends a helping hand to the poor
      and opens her arms to the needy.
   ²¹ She has no fear of winter for her household,
      for everyone has warm^[c] clothes.

   ²² She makes her own bedspreads.
      She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
   ²³ Her husband is well known at the city gates,
      where he sits with the other civic leaders.
   ²⁴ She makes belted linen garments

   ²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future.
   ²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
      and she gives instructions with kindness.
   ²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness.

   ²⁸ Her children stand and bless her.
      Her husband praises her:
   ²⁹ “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
      but you surpass them all!”

   ³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
      but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
   ³¹ Reward her for all she has done.
      Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

      There is nothing weak about a woman in a dress, and there is nothing ungirly about a woman in jeans. Did ya notice this woman's strength was twice mentioned? Strength isn't just what she has but who she is. And I believe more now than ever that you are more what you wear than what you eat,lol.

     I feel more like a lady. I feel more dignified. And as far as my children are concerned, they think I look like a "Pin-cess". My son can't seem to stop running his dirty little hands around my knees and fanning out my skirts. My baby daughter loves hiding under them and kissing my knees,lol. Last night during bedtime prayers my 2 older girls thanked God for helping me lose weight and start looking like "all the other pretty thin mommies". 

     This whole post is neither a rant against pants nor a call to the fellow chubbies of the world to lose weight to find worth. No. This is a post to empower women, to shine a light on the worth you already possess and to help you find areas you may want to work on. 

     YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG AND WORTH SO MUCH. jeans or jean skirt. I am just as much these 3 now as I was 5 yrs ago, but now....I just feel it too.

Act your age, not your shoe size

    

30 is sometimes a taboo or dirty word for women. Its like once the clock strikes midnight on your 30th birthday, the world was over. I was had a wonderful co-worker that swore she would never turn 30, and to see to it every year on her birthday she would "turn 29". If I remember correctly this will be her 9th 29th birthday this year,lol.

     When midnight struck for me, oddly enough I did feel a bit different. It is hard to describe. I could almost literally feel that,ok, I am not a kid anymore. Every kid is chomping at the bit to be an adult at 1., myself included. By the time 21 rolls around you get almost an arrogance like, ok...now you have to take me seriously. Now that I'm here, I can see that this just isn't so. Let's be completely honest with ourselves. Your 20's are just an extension of your teens. You still feel stress and like you have more responsibilities than you can handle, but you are still allowed to make foolish mistakes- you are almost expected to- because you are still learning  how to be a grown-up. God bless the 4 little lives that I brought on this wild ride with me. We are learning together.

The second I turned 30 I made a promise to God and myself I would do better in this new decade. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT

     Paul was saying this to make a point that when you are a new Christian, certain ways of thinking and foolish mistakes are understood by the Father. He expects you to learn from them, repent and do a 180...this is growth and maturity.When you are a mature Christian you ought not be making the same childish errors. I took this to heart on my birthday. 

     I have always been a HUGE complainer, in my defense...it's usually about valid things that would irk anyone. But the Bible clearly says to do all things without murmurings and disputings. Philippians 2:14 KJV  

Why?

      So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.Philippians 2:15 NIV  Complaining is childish. Ask anyone with small children, or teens...there isn't much difference. They both can be messy and  over dependant on you, craving independence from you- complaining all the while you try to teach them how to be functional adults. OY!

     What do I have to complain about?(DOWN 20'S!THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!!) I have 4 beautiful children, we own our own home, I have a husband who loves me to pieces and wants to spend time not just with me, but our children!We are( usually) healthy and live in a( relatively) safe neighborhood and I don't have to send my children away to become educated, but rather i get to know exactly what is being put into their little minds and spirits because I'm the one putting it there, aligned with God's Word! That a lot to be grateful for! I'm not saying I run around now singing like Fraulein Maria or play the Glad Game like Pollyanna, but I am consciously trying to be the adult that I now God expects me to be. And why not sing? 

     Isaiah 61:3 says there is a garment called praise that was created for the Spirit of Heaviness. You ever try to sing when life just sucks?You just feel STUPID.Know why? Cause the mind is the battlefield. If the Enemy can keep you down by making you feel too stupid to sing songs of joy and praise, then you won't be a threat to him. There was a reason Israelite armies had priests and instrumentalists in battle with them! I challenge you to fight thru your stupidity next time and just sing praises, even if all you know is Jesus loves me. Really think about it---JESUS LOVES YOU!No matter how awful things get. Think about your best friend and your parents- they still love you when your life is sucky, right? How much more then do you think He that created you feels about you?!

     I believe every word that I write here, but I am human as well.Not 24 hrs. after making my vow I was called on it. Would I really praise Him thru every storm? I want to, but I didn't...and I wish I had. Our new van (just bought a month ago) had the engine light come on, my birthday i didn't get to do the stuff I wanted or have the stuff I wanted, I paid for stamps at a store 35 minutes away and had to go back the next day because they forgot to put them in my shopping bag, and worst of all....3 of my children all became sick.The youngest was very sick. I did put on the praise music, but I never let it penetrate my heart and that left me feeling down for 3 days. 

     I thank God his mercies are new every morning...He knows I need that fresh start, that do over called "tomorrow" Things are getting better, my attitude is better and I've asked 

Him for his forgiveness. My kids feel the lightness  in me and we have all just been very chill today. I will have success some days and I will fail some days, but in the end I'm trying and it's enough that Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. :)