We all need Somebody to Lean on

  

    Here's an interesting thought: there is no such thing as being truly independent. There is no such thing as being self made. Everybody- and I don't care how big of a lone wolf you are- depends or relies on SOMEBODY. Even if you grow your own food, make your own clothes, use candles instead of electricity and hunt for what you eat and wear... you didn't make your own gun or bow and arrows, you probably didn't make the hose or well that syphons the water to feed your crops and you didn't make the needle and thread that is holding your clothes together. 

     Most of us aren't that extreme Jeremiah Johnson types...but we pride ourselves on being able to do things on our own better alone than without the interference of others. Not all of us, but some. I'm big time guilty on this one. I can't stand to have help til I'm overwhelmed, then I freak out that no one ever helps me! It's sad, I know, but I'm working on it.

     All this came to me today as I am getting ready to get my A1c done. I worry every few months that my score isn't gonna be good enough and I will be knocked into a more severe tier of being diabetic. When I started this journey I was a workout fiend- gym everyday for hours on end, kickboxing, 4 Zumba classes a week etc.... but it was a different time then, there was no one to home school since it was summer and I had more help and free time.Not so much now. I go to Zumba or the gym when I can and continue to slowly and steadily lose weight. Apparently this impresses people and I've become a sort of inspiration to others. That's very encouraging and flattering for me, but being totally honest I always felt like i was allowing a lie when people said something like "Wow, it's amazing how you've done this all on your own!" and I haven't corrected them.  Even when I do they usually say something along the lines of,"Well, you know what I mean". and I do...but still, it's NOT true.

     There is no way I could have come as far as I have all on my own! There are obvious people who played an important role in my so-far-success...people like my Dr. for listening to my concerns and taking them seriously, the nurses who encourage me and compliment my shrinking looks every time I come in, the phlebotomist who takes my blood, the lab that screens my sugars, the Zumba instructors who come out every week and have a class ready and put together for people ready for a body change....even people like my own kids who say sweet things like they can now get my arms around me and my husband for listening to every fear,cry,complaint and  pound lost.

     Then there are the less thought of people like Pillsbury. Laugh if you will, but imagine suddenly having a condition where you have to just stop most of your favorite foods and desserts cold turkey. Doesn't seem like a big deal til that first craving- are you gonna fall off the wagon and roll in guilt or stay on and be resentful? That's where Pillsbury came in. I gave up my beloved brownies and homemade cupcakes cold turkey...and was resentful. I can honestly say I never once cheated...and the Lord blessed me( see, He cares, even by answering  "insignificant" prayers) by having a baking company that is the only one around that makes sugar free cake and brownie mix. Now I can have my favorite desserts again, in moderation of course!

     See, I'm sure Pillsbury had no idea when they were forming their company that they knew they would end up being the answer to a newly diabetic's prayer someday in 2011- but they were. I rely on them to continue making their products when I have my cravings, they rely on customers like me to continue faithful buying. This is just one example. I rely on the cable company to entertain my family, the postal service to get my bills to me and back out on time, the gas station to not run out of gas...I even depend on you to let me know that writing these blogs is not for naught. As a dear friend pointed out the other, would all these writings make a difference even if I don't end up with thousands of followers and fans- if they only were to touch 1 person and uplift them and help them??? The answer is absolutely! If I just touch 1 life and have made a difference, then that makes all the difference to me between true blogging and just journaling.

     We all depend on somebody,like it or not. Sorry it's just the way it is. Truth is truth, whether you believe it or not. 

Seasons

From time to time I may feature a post I had written from my old Xanga blogs. Some day I plan on printing out each entry and  making a "Remembrance Book" for my children, so they can one day know their mother's heart. At any rate, here is one I wrote this year and it's one of my favorites:

Yet another season of change has blown thru our home, thankfully almost completely uneventfully: my little girl Caia, my baby, has moved into her own bed.
      All of my children have co-slept with us. Sierra was one of the hardest. She had to go thru a literal process- by that I mean it started from our bed to her crib next to the bed, to one wall of the crib down so she could roll from bed to crib and back again at will.After that came the fun of moving it about 2 inches at a time from week to week til she was in the next room. 
     Brianna couldn't wait to have her own bed- she literally would either climb outta her crib and fall on her face every morning or shake the crib so violently that it finally broke. Johnny by far was the worst. He did not take the eviction well at all- especially since it was almost simultaneous with me weaning him, my new part time job and being newly pregnant with Caia. Yeah, so after a week of his blood curdling screams that lasted hours on end, (i kid you not) I spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of my 42 week pregnancy sleeping on his floor by his bed like Lassie- some nights holding his tight little fist.
     But Caia, she is a tough little cookie but by far the easiest transition we've ever had. She loves her bed, a little too much maybe. She thought it was an awesome new toy the whole evening til bedtime. Then for an hour after bed she thought it was hilarious, this new game of crawl- outta- bed-mommy- puts- me- back. It wasn't until i realized my sitting by her bed somehow made it a game  did it become not so fun for her. I'd now put her in bed and go sit on my bed. When she went to join me it was a sweet,"It's bedtime my love", hug n kiss and tuck her in. Hubby kept count how many times this had to take place for her to get it. By 4 she was no longer laughing.By 7 she was full on screaming in protest. By 10 she would crawl out, look warily at me- waiting for me to cave (rarely do i ever cave). By 11 she sat up ready to crawl out again, then decided just to lay down and was out within minutes. She did wake up a few more times before 5 am, but the screaming was a minimum.
By the 2nd night, the only tears flowing in heartache were my own. I couldn't believe she had taken to the bed so quickly. Tonite it was as if she has always had her own bed and I'm the one to be horribly lonely every other week. See when my hubby goes to work at night i used to snuggle with Caia. Now i have no one and nothing- the dog won't even stay in my room long enough to snuggle,lol. I know she is only 7 feet away but i may not be able to have anymore children due to always having c-sections and now being diabetic. i don't know what God has in store for me...but in the case that she is my last baby, this precious time of nursing and cuddling in bed and smelling her sweet milky baby breath is quickly coming to a close- like Winter melting into Spring. I am going from having 2 kids and a baby and a toddler to somehow 3 big kids and a little kid! I am grateful that God has allowed my children to come so far and grow this much...and I pray they continue to do so, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.
     It seems like since last year so many seasons in my life have changed...it becomes hard sometimes. Going from what I thought was a healthy person to a diabetic rocked my world. Now i see I am healthier now than I ever was thanks to the diabetes forcing my fat butt out of the house and into the gym, where (at -42lbs) it is becoming a sculpted and steadily shrinking tush,lol.  The house that I have loathed for 4 years here in WV now has a room I love- the bathroom,lol- thanks to a $120 redecorating job from Walmart.I'd give anything to get rid of the nasty claw foot tub this place came with and get a brand new one...but my tub phobia is the topic of another blog for another day,lol. Until we can afford one, I suppose I will just continue to shower in my socks :). 
lol. That's not really a whole lot of time to fully grasp the immensity of life,seasons of change and eternity.
But I guess it's as good a place to start as any. Hopefully I will have discovered my purpose and fulfilled my destiny by 33, like Jesus. †

The Best Birthday Present Ever

     So today is my last day to be 20 something. I have had mixed feelings about turning 30 for a few months now. Aging gracefully has always been one of my goals, and by that I mean not running to the drugstore to hoard every anti-aging do dad i can find or coloring the few white hairs I have back to my dark brown. I could be sad that my still youthful 20's are gone. I could be angry I haven't experienced more of life. 2 of my goals to accomplish before turning 30 were to see another country and to own my own horse. I have failed miserably at both,lol. 

     I have chosen to be grateful. I am grateful that I am still here and that I have the chance to look forward to my 30th birthday tomorrow. The truth is, had it not been for the Lord I may have been forever 29. Not a whole lot of people know the whole story of my new found diabetic lifestyle. I think today is the best day to share it.

     I have been warned my whole life to watch what I eat because basically my whole family is/was diabetic. And like a lot of diabetics, denial was their comfort and they continued to eat like there was never an issue. I was once told (in not so loving ways) that my weight was always gonna be an issue for me. I hated hearing that and denied it, but it is true. Some years I was scary thin with no muscle tone, some years I look healthy but pudgy. For the past 9 years I had been grotesquely overweight because my husband always tells me I'm beautiful, denied my being fat and food was just, fun. I thought i ate well- I don't drink soda, eat whole grains, love my veggies and fruit.... but it was not enough. Or  maybe too much???

     In May 2010 I began getting that feeling...like diabetes was lurking closer to me. That still small voice was getting louder with every run to Dairy Queen . But I had made it this far...surely I would make to at least 50 before it became  a problem! By June I was having symptoms....migraines almost every everyday, so tired that living was just beginning to feel like it was too much,I miraculously lost 10lbs in 7 days no matter how nice a day it was i was always so HOT, and the weirdest/scariest symptoms of all were extreme itchiness and every time i began to stress out or yell i began bleeding---like i was having my period. That terrified me- especially because my aunt and my stepfather were fighting cancer and I had just recently lost my father-in-law to cancer. I scheduled a pap and it later came back normal. I explained to my Dr. my cancer fears and i was assured that wasn't the issue-- .I, like so many other women before me, was written off as hormonal ( which is doctor speak for ' I have no idea what's wrong with you, so rather than lose my god like status i will make you think you are inept at knowing your own body.')due to my just having given birth to my 4th baby in August. I don't buy it, but I accept it for the time being.

     By the end of the month I am in full party planning mode for my eldest child's 7th birthday....but there would be a twist this year. It started when she began begging me for a pool- something i was not too keen on,but we relented and my mom gave us hers, only she forgot to give us the pump. I was unusually thirsty heading to her house to get the pump and stopped off for a soda ( which I've never been big on anyway). Within 15 minutes I was there and stopped in my mom's room to let her know i was there. For no apparent reason at all she asked to take my blood sugar- which again, I was not keen on. I DO NOT like needles of any kind or size, but I know my mom. It was best to just do it to get her off my back. *prick* ow. waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting....5:00.  Why is she looking at me like that? I  ask if she's ok.   

      Her mouth is agape and she's staring at me like I'm gonna explode. "What???" i ask. "Oh my God, my poor baby". OK, now I am getting annoyed. When is thing  gonna give me a number and why is she looking at me like that??? Apparently this thing was not telling me it was 5:00, but rather that my blood sugar was 500! The next few hours become a blur of tears, serious denial, a fight between me and my mom over her not letting me drive home and my step dad insisting I go to the ER. I feel fine. I don't believe this is happening. I don't wanna hear it. I just came for a  pump and I'm leaving a diabetic?!? ME- who watched every one's junk food intake, makes food from scratch and lives to eat whole grain and natural foods. At the ER i learn i am 232 lbs of denial and evil genetics. My sugar has come down a measly 30 points and I am refusing any kind of insulin. After a few hours of sitting, being poked some more and tears I come home to a  husband who barely got the heads up as to what was going on before i left for the ER. I walk in an he hugs me with a pathetically weak smile and his best attempt  at being reassuring. All I know is genetics suck.

      I begin seeing Drs., or at least Spencer's version of such. The one is a physician's assistant who is gentle in telling me both what I already know and don't wanna hear. Thankfully though he tells me i can possibly hold this at bay or even change it with diet and exercise. He is kind but I feel hopeless. I stare at the bottle of my new meds( and if u know me at all I also hate Drs.,and medication) and just cry. I sit at breakfast with my family and just cry. I can't do this. I won't do this- if I do it makes it real. John points out whether or not i take this pill it IS real. I can either do what's right like I am aptly programmed to do, or I can deny like every other diabetic in my family. Is living "free and normal" worth losing limbs, heart disease, going blind or dialysis?? But what about Caia? I still nurse her! I cant wean her yet, it's not fair- the others got 2 ½ yrs!She's only 9 months old. I look at my kids who are looking back at me. My son who takes an allergy pill every nite goes," Don't worry mom, you are a big lady. Take your medicine". Sierra asks,"Don't you wanna see me forever?" Brianna goes, " yeah, cuz you'd look funny with no awms. How'd u hug us?" i swallow it crying.it's real now. no turning back. I am a diabetic.

     6 days later i go to my appt. with an actual Dr. This fool is easily 50 lbs heavier than me- he can't even bring his leg up to his knee when he sits. He looks at my scores, which with the exception of my morning fasting scores are all below normal or within normal range, and tells me it's not good. I could stand to lose 50lbs,  he ups my dosage despite my protests and suggests the easiest route would be to just take insulin because I am too far gone for diet and exercise to help me any. I angrily inform him I have never been one to take the easy route, I refuse the higher dosage and i storm out to the car where i begin bawling again. i can't take much more. I've heard my mother,grandmother, (heard of ) my aunt and grandfather all say how hopeless and hard this disease is. I am so angry I could scream. I've watched what John has warned me against happen to my family and I refuse to go down without a fight. i am gonna fight this thing for every diabetic that has or has wanted to give up because it was too hard, or they had a crappy Dr. and no support team- but mostly i was doing it for my family. I love my babies and husband more then life itself and I'll be darned if i die a victim.

     In August I joined the local gym. Can't beat $25 a month and I go EVERYDAY for at least an hour. Big on cardio, trying to avoid weights. u want me to lose 50 lbs huh tubby? just watch me on this treadmill.....the look on your bloated face is worth every asthma attack i may endure!! I also change Drs. and set up to see a new one in September. By the end of the month I was 222lbs.

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  September 2010

  The new Dr is nice but kinda emotionless- very matter of fact. He agrees I need to lose weight but disagrees with the insulin call....That's a last resort thing. He would like to see me  below 200lbs by December. Will do doc. I join 2 separate Zumba classes and a kick boxing class. My week looks like this:

  Monday: home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/kickboxing 5pm-6pm

  Tuesday: home school 10am-3pm/ gym 4pm-5pm/zumba I 6pm-7pm/Zumba II 7pm - 8pm

  Wednesday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/

  Thursday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/zumba I 6pm-7pm/Zumba II 7pm - 8pm

  Friday:home school 10am-3pm/gym 4pm-5pm/

  Saturday: either gym from 12pm-1pm  or home with family

  Sunday: rest

  I work out quite a bit, and the weird thing is I don;t lose weight...but i do lose inches....1-2 to be exact in my hips,waist and arms.....

  October 2010

  looks much like above except i lose 10 more lbs bringing me to 212. This is gonna take forever, but I can't stop now!

  November 2010

  I am continuing my workout regime but I know Thanksgiving is coming. People always worry about over eating and weight gain, but not me- I never cared anyway. Now I do. Between the end of October and Thanksgiving I have lost another 5 lbs! 207lbs,I remember when saying that out loud was a bad thing. How bad was my weight that it's now an achievement?!! I prepare Thanksgiving as I always have, but my plate is a salad plate, not a regular dinner one. On it I forgo the skin, and heap the veggies and 2 slices of turkey. Dessert is my sugar free french vanilla creamer in some skim milk with a sugar free chocolate chip cookie. yummy.The next day I weigh myself: 1 lbs gone!!! Hello 206, the last time I saw you I had just delivered Sierra....... I feel like I'll never be below 200 like the doc wants...i mean December 8th is so close and that's my next appointment......

  
  

  
  

  
  

  December  2010

  I get to the Drs and as i get up the scale everyone is telling me how wonderful i look. Just to drive my seriousness home i wore a workout outfit so i could get to the kickboxing class afterwards. i go to read the scale but the dang thing is in kg's.....they look at it in disbelief and ask me to step off. I worry so i slip of my sneakers. back on the number is less. I ask what it is in lbs. they push a button and it pops up:  196!!!  I haven't been 196 since i graduated high school almost 15 yrs ago!! The Dr is so impressed and pleased he prints out a chart of my past weights and show just how far I've come. He all but hi fives me,lol. We set the goal now for 180lbs by mid April. i am fairly dancing into my kickboxing class.

  January 2011

  John's work schedule changes to 7 straight days of 12 hour shifts, 5pm to 5am, then a week off. This screws up my workouts. The weeks he works he sleeps til 1 while i try to run the house and teach school, then i have to be out the door by 2 and choose between running errands or working out because he leaves at 4:30. Oh the joy of sharing 1 vehicle and not having a babysitter anymore....but, on his weeks off i kill it to make up for my sloppy performance the week before. I am 193 by the end of this month.

  
  

  
  

   February  2011 

   I am down 7 inches on my waist and 3 lbs more. I have no plans to slow down or stop....I have even gone so far as to purchase an Ab Circle and the PS3 game  Zumba Move so that when I'm stuck at home i have no excuses. I hope to reach my goal of 180 by the end of March...I'm kind of an optimist anymore,lol.

  
  

  Well, I didn't quite reach that goal, but I am close. As a woman, I am gonna break 2 cardinal rules at the same time: reveal my age and weight at the same time. Tomorrow I will be 30 years old and 188lbs. I'm not ashamed, especially considering where I have come from. I haven't been this weight since I graduated high school!This is why I am grateful. I could be dead right now. My dad was diabetic and slipped into a coma after having his sugar hit somewhere between 500 and 700. He's gone now. Now i can see why the hospital staff were in shock that my symptoms weren't worse and that I was able to walk and talk at 500. Who knows what my stress bleeding meant?! I had always felt like I was gonna die young and I told my husband and mom that. They hated hearing it, but it was such a strong feeling I didn't want it to be a shock if they found me dead. I don' t feel that anymore. God gave me my life back for my birthday.