Ordering the Steps of a Modern Day Hagar

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was writing on this particular blog. I remember specifically choosing to do it after making a vow on my 30th birthday that I would be dedicating that entire year to the service of God through loving others. I also remember knowing and preparing  for an intense spiritual backlash from the Enemy for choosing 365 days of unselfishness.

I thought I was prepared, but I had no clue what I was in for.

There were so many blessings that came with that year, they were impossible to count. But it was also the beginning of the hardest few years of my life. I have been gossipped about, lied to and lied about, my good name and spotless reputation eradicated, family had deserted and me spread lies about me, friends have proven themselves the opposite-instead of praying for me,dropping a line welcoming me  to call or talk anytime- set their tongues to wagging over speculation and "Can you believe she....".  I am not going to say I have been completely blameless in the past couple years. We are all human and make mistakes and apparently quite a few of my innocently chosen ones have turned out to be the worst decisions for me. I am far from Jesus, but boy do I understand the stigma of being a man of sorrows.

I'm in the scariest place I have ever been in my life. Alone. I'm far from home. I'm surrounded by people who hate me or just don't understand or just don't care. I no longer have someone to follow and be lead by. I AM the leader, and I have no idea where I'm going. Ruth is who I want to be, who I was and who I am trying to get back to. Hagar is who I am now.

I am really beginning to feel how this poor woman must have felt. Granted, our stories are very different- with her being the handmaiden to a wealthy woman and used for procreation(possibly against her will)then sent away. But we are very similiar as well.

 We both had to deal with situations for years that we didn't like and didn't want to be able to keep a comfortable lifestyle. We did what we had to in order to please the ones in charge of yanking it all away. I'm not saying I was a slave, but sometimes it felt like it. I don't know how long Hagar was Sarai's slave, but if we assume she had been in Canaan the whole time with her and Abram, then we are talking ten years (Genesis 16:3). This also right around the time everything fell apart for me as well.
We both, when we stood our grounds were sent packing. I mean, I'm still here, but my life is polar opposite of what is was. I am in my desert and instead of the safety of my tent.
Genesis 18:8 is interesting because the Lord asked Hagar: “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” One thing I've learned is that the Lord doesn't ask questions because he doesn't know the answers- it's for our benefit, to get us to recognize something. I remember the good and the bad of where I came from,the prayers I prayed and the constant living in suspicion and self loathing that came from that suspicion. I know where I want to go and the life I pray everyday for...it's just a question now of how to get there. How do you move forward while looking behind?How do you move to a better future when you don't know how?
Not gonna lie, it disturbs me that she was ordered to go back and submit to the very woman that put her in this position and abused her. But she went. She obeyed, not knowing how bad it was gonna get.

By chapter 21, Ishmael has been born and is well into his teen yrs. and has taken to teasing little Isaac on the day he was weaned. Sarah is furious and orders Abraham to send him and his mother away. How in the world must this poor woman have felt?First she runs away from the abuse to have a better life, and ends up being told to go back, stays an additional 13 years and is sent packing again! It gets so bad she ends up dragging her starving dehydrated son to a bush and leaves him there to die, because she can't stand to watch him suffer any longer. I don't know about you, but as a mother i can't imagine the pain she was in to find her only solace in abandoning her dying child. As many times as I have said "I can't do this" when it comes to my babies' pain,for whatever reason, I have stood by them- through tests,needles,hospitalizations,stitches and yes, starvation. I understand the feeling of holding your only son in your arms and knowing there's a very real chance he may die of starvation- and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I praise God that may children are happy and healthy, but at the same time I feel like this is where I am now.I am Hagar on her 2nd stint in the desert.No one to make it better,not sure if a life without peace is better than no life at all, sobbing and drained and crying out to God day after day after day...waiting for help and direction.

My prayer as late has been for God to make VERY CLEAR his will for my life. I can't rely on the advice and suggestions of others, since only a very small few know the whole story and every detail.Others speculate and make up what they don't know.The only one I can trust is God, and right now- either he is silent or I am stupid and stubborn. I honestly don't know which way to go because out of 2 decisions, both seem right and both seem wrong. Proverbs 14:12 scares me to death :

"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."
It is because of this verse I have resigned myself to not making another decision until I very clearly and very explicitly hear from God, and not thru well meaning or over opinionated "friends" or whomever. This ones a big one and it is gonna take God's voice,loud and clear to make me make take a step.

Firestorm

"I'd rather stand alone with God knowing my heart, then in a crowd of thousands who can only assume they know."

"Taking the high road is often heart wrenching, and misunderstood. I wish there was more traffic there though."

"I should b shocked but I'm not; its called the End Times. I pray that b4 ppl believe the slander they will ask me first. Every coin has 2 sides."

     As I sit here and write this, tears are flowing down my face.I know that I have been off here for far too long. I have been so wrapped up and preoccupied by my own trials and pain and heartache, I just haven't had it in me to write. This is no excuse. The whole point of this blog was to find my purpose in this world and use it to glorify God in any way I could. My everyday life seems so insignificant until I find that it has somehow touched or blessed someone. Well here it goes.

     I wrote the above sayings in italics on my personal Facebook page when I was going through a VERY painful time this past February. I have debated on whether or not to even say the words for fear of backlash and criticism, but let's be honest- I get criticized frequently. It hurts beyond words but I have grown accustomed to it; I am tired of being hurt nonetheless.In the past 6 months I have been accused of being cold, hard-hearted, a bad mother, a whore, a gold digger and as of last night it was hinted around that I might have thief tendencies. As sick and tired as I am of these seemingly never ending false and quite frankly insulting accusations it has truly helped me understand Jesus as Man here on Earth:

"He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!"  Isaiah 53:3-4(NLT)

     A man of sorrows. That is an incredible and incredibly heart breaking description for someone who is Lord of all., but at the same time it's comforting. You see, Jesus' whole purpose in his 33 years on the Earth He created was to be an example. He was an example that it is possible, albeit extremely difficult to live a righteous life. Notice I never said perfect or blameless. No, He never did anything wrong- but He was frequently a target of false and blasphemous accusations.He was tested and people tried to catch him in hypocrisy and lies.His life must have been so filled with hurt and pain from the stress that others tried to cause Him. He was perfect and blameless, but His life was not. If it had been, then EVERYONE would have been able to see and understand who He was and IS; very few people got Him either. The ones He kept closest to Him followed Him around everyday, and even they let Him down at times. One even orchestrated His arrest and in turn, His death.

     But what does verse 4 say? It wasn't punishment from God that afflicted Him, it was the weight of everyone's sorrows that weighed Him down. He carried the afflictions of those around Him so much and so deeply that it appeared as though He was just this miserably despised human being. 

     I dedicated all of last year to the Lord. My whole life and being and purpose on this Earth. I prayed protection over my children and the ones I loved as I delved deep into this blog and used my life as a living testimony any way I could.

      And then began the firestorm.
     The lies. The scorn. The rumors. I faced losing my children, but the truth prevailed and they are still with me. I have lost friends, but I guess they never really knew me anyway. Family have destroyed my spotless reputation with people I have been trying to get to know and pray for and be friends with, before these people ever got a chance to really know me. And most painful of all, I've been accused of not trying hard enough and seeking all avenues to save my marriage.

     But people didn't know Jesus and I guess they don't know me. No one but God saw how many times I cried, how many migraines I endured, how many phone calls and web searches I made to try and save it. No one but God saw how far I went and how low I felt in trying to be my everything's One and Only. At one of my lowest points I found myself in a consultation with a plastic surgeon.

Someone I love dearly has told me countless times to keep my head up. When I am falling apart, they have lifted my head and said "This is where your head belongs." But I gotta tell ya, it feels impossible to keep my head held high while I'm being continuously kicked. I had to go back a few minutes ago and re-read one of my own posts,When Everything Falls Apart. There's no doubt I'm going through a storm; it dies down for a little bit but it always swells right back up- it never ends. But like the post says, God didn't cause this pain so I won't blame Him, but I know He's here watching it all and I trust He'll plant my rainbow in the sky someday.

Happy Resurrection Sunday,2012!

If you have never accepted Jesus into your life, please watch either of these videos and choose this day whom you will serve. Time is running out, and He is the only WAY, THE only Truth and the LIFE. (John14:6.) Be blessed. I love you.

Alter Call Version

 

Theatrical version

Sealed

 

 

 

 

 

I have always been very drawn to Scripture references that have to do with love and anything of poetic beauty. What better place to study all of these than Song of Solomon? Although all the verses of all the chapters in this rhythmic book of unquenchable desire and desperate love and longing are striking and  thought provoking, there is one particular reference that has captured my heart. I have read it several times this week, and every time I do I get something new from it.

" Place me like a seal over your heart,
   like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
   its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
   like a mighty flame."SOS 8:6

It kills me that today's society has no clue what love is or what it is all about. This verse sums up love perfectly.

•  " Place me like a seal over your heart" There was a time long long ago when kings had signet rings, seals of ink or wax that were used to show official ownership. The woman that has won Solomon's heart wants him to keep her in his heart like that ever important seal; to show the world that she alone belongs to him, that she has his undivided affection. What does it mean when we place our hands over our hearts or say "cross my heart, hope to die" ? We are making a pledge, a vow, a sacred promise.A seal not only shows ownership, but promise. By placing her as a seal upon his heart, he is taking a vow to her. A vow to not only love her, but to desire her above all others. She is The One.

 

• "like a seal on your arm" I did some extensive research on this tiny phrase and came up with 2 main thoughts. 1-This seal, this promise-it was to be in a place that is readily seen by all. A place that required no explanation. Perhaps the bridegroom was preparing to go away and his bride wanted all who came in contact with him to know his heart was taken. He belongs to her. 2- This seal that represents this bride was to be in a place of strength. A man's arms are his power, his strength, his virility. To place her as a seal on his arm shows fierce pride in her and protection over her. This woman wants to be valued.

 

•  "for love is as strong as death" Death is seemingly so final. It is incredibly strong. Think about it...Sure if someone technically passes away, medical personnel can bring them back, but only so many times. And this can't be done forever. Eventually, death will have its way and claim the life it is after. And to be sure, only Christ ( who is God and God is love; so if love  is as strong as death, it took a loving God to match strengths with Death in order to defeat it)had the power to defeat death, by offering himself up as the eternal sacrifice so that where before death was final-claiming both soul and body- now all it can do is claim the body.The soul continues to endure forever, either in an eternal place of peace and joy, or torment and separation from God. In the same way, love should be just as strong, just as final. Nothing can beat it, nothing can squelch, nothing can defeat it- except God himself, should He see fit.

 

•  " its jealousy unyielding as the grave." Unyielding, for those who aren't completely sure, means to be un submissive, not flexible. Once you are in the grave, your body is there until the Lord Himself calls it up and out. Wanting the one you want, in essence to be jealous, should be the same way. Their affections should be towards you and yours towards them alone. The desires between the Lover and the Beloved should not be flexible; if he belongs to her and she to him there is no wiggle room allowed. If there is, there may be a serious problem.

 
"It burns like blazing fire,like a mighty flame." This is pretty self explanatory. Fire causes heat, attracts life like moths and nighttime beetles, can create life within death ( ever see new plant life growing where a wildfire has left its destructive fingerprint?) and is beneficial in countless ways. It is hypnotizing and seductive in its own right, but above all else- must be treated with caution and respect. So should love be. It is fragile and attractive, hugely powerful and all enveloping...but when scorned and mistreated- has the infinite power of destruction.

 

 

 

 

 

Keep on Keepin' on

I love how the Lord works. He is all knowing and ever present. To make a very long story short, he brought back into my life someone, who was barely an acquaintance in high school, and now 16 years later, He has orchestrated such a fast and tight bond we have become like siblings in a mere 2 weeks. This person has prayed for me and my family, stayed on the phone with me for hours at my most fearful time this year so far and spoken life into my broken spirit during times of turmoil.

You see, in God’s kingdom there are no acquaintances and there are no coincidences; there is only family and His hands at work in our lives. As if putting this all together weren’t enough to show me how much He loves me and understands what I need to hear and when, He laid it on this new-found brother’s heart to guide my attention to this video: Rain. In a nutshell, this video is of a man passionately explaining the intensity of the Lord’s love for us and his innate drive to keep us protected, despite what all goes on around us or how abandoned our circumstances make us feel. He does this through the telling of an experience he had with carrying his infant son through a severe rainstorm to safety. The analogy is so powerful, I daresay that if you aren’t brought to tears by the end, it is only because you’ve never gone through trials before that left you feeling segregated from life and wondering where God is.

My dear friend gave me the 32^nd chapter of Isaiah to read today, but a certain couple of verses really stuck out to both of us. Isaiah 32:16-17 says,” The LORD’s justice will dwell in the desert, his righteousness live in the fertile field. The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.”

This world is full of pain, chaos and heartache. People are clinging to good memories of the past, destructive numbing behavior in the present and a foggy hope in an uncertain future just to try and make it through. Our world is a desert- seemingly dead and barren. But life does exist in even the most barren wasteland, even if it’s in small amounts: a beetle here, a tiny plant there. They may seem insignificant when pitted up against the immensity of such a dry empty space, but it cannot be denied that there is in fact life. The Lord’s justice will survive in this world, though we cannot see it, though it seems to be otherwise. Sin and darkness will run rampant, but the Lord will prevail- if for no other reason than to give the few who are faithful (though they may be sparse and hard to find) a hope and a reason to carry on running the race that is set before them. He promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). And with this promise, we can continue on and because of our unwavering faithfulness to God He will feed our spirits supernaturally; though nothing makes sense and fear grips people’s hearts and our bodies should be fading away, the fruit of righteousness- our reward and nourishment for being faithful to God- will be peace and this peace will cause a stillness, a quietness and a rock steady confidence forever. No fear. No whirlwinds of anxiety. No panic over what is or is to come. Just peace and quietness and confidence. Forever.