Godsmacked

To say that I have been struggling with my relationship status is the understatement of the year. I've struggled and battled brokenness and fear- paralyzing fear every single day. I am desperate to be loved, and it was in an angry moment of this desperation that yesterday I lashed out at God. I'm so ashamed that I finally did, but I am so grateful to Him for breaking my heart.

Yesterday I was in conversation and said,"You know- God says he knows everything we are feeling...every emotion. But He has never been a scorned and displaced housewife forced to have menial jobs to support 4 children."

 "Very good," came the sarcastic reply."You one-upped God". I just rolled my eyes knowing that isn't possible but went on with my day.

Last night I couldn't sleep to save my life. At 2 am I went out to the dining room and sat alone in the dark on the floor in front of the blazing heater. And I talked to God. I poured out my heart and told him how unloved I feel. Again for the 2nd time this week I told him how I feel like a widowed orphan. I am not a top priority to anyone. No one is eagerly waiting to talk with me. No one is craving my affection. There is no one in this world who can't go a day without me-except my children. And I never want to diminish our love for each other, but I am specifically talking adults here. I will keep my heartfelt opinions to myself at this point because I know the people who will read this and only give me grief for it, and I do not need my heart scrutinized right now. Suffice it to say I told God I refuse to make a single move until I hear HIS voice-not thru others' suggestions and opinions on what I need to do- but HIS alone. I used to know his voice,and I am waiting on it again. 

This morning I woke up and remembered a nightmare I had a month or 2 after my wedding. It was of my loving and very sober husband and he was drunkenly beating me with green beer bottles. I was cowering and telling him he had a problem and he needed to stop because he was scaring me and hurting me. I could literally feel every blow and shard of broken glass on my skin and he was screaming that I was the one with control problems. When I told my dream to him he seemed partially horrified and partially amused and assured me that would never happen, but if it did just to tell him "I don't even know you anymore" and he would return to the loving man I once knew.

Well, I don't know him anymore or anyone who used to be familiar for that matter. I don't even know myself anymore. All I know is God never changes, and he brought this dream to me to make this point: I arrogantly had the balls to say he has no idea what I'm feeling because he has never been a wife who has lost everything. But in my dream he gently one upped me-as he should, by forcing me to feel his heart. He does know what I'm feeling because he has been the Ultimate faithful. He has been the faithful husband to his adulterous church,his tainted bride. He has sent his people his word, his love songs and poetry in the forms of diamond like snowfall, bouquets of spring fields of wildflowers, passionate sunsets and sunrises; he has given us protection and healing and unending forgiveness. He as the Almighty has chased after us nobodies, unworthy of anything and everything He has ever done for us and we return it with half-arsed prayers asking for more, with chasing after other gods of better jobs and more money,nicer clothes, better educations. We have our eyes darting here,there, over there like a panicked deer running thru the woods instead of intoxicatingly fixed on Him.

 So in a last ditch effort to show his unending love for us, what does he do?He sends his only son to be tortured and die to cover our sins and our shortcomings and our unfaithfulness so that at innocent and blameless Christ's expense, we the filthy rags might have a chance at perfection and glory.It was here that God took me in my dream to Golgotha and showed me the beatings,the flesh ripped from Jesus's back, the pierced side and the pools of blood flowing from throbbing limbs and aching muscles. Then He put my son's face there-my precious little miracle of a 7 year old son.And He said," Have you done this for the man you love?Have you stood by and for the love of your groom watched your only son's perfect blood spill over his cracked lips as he screamed out to you?Have you seen the fear and panic in his eyes as he mourned you turning your back on him-all for the sake of your love for a man who wouldn't love you back and was unfaithful to you?
No you haven't, but I have. I know heartache. I know desperation and brokenness and I know a void and pain in levels your entire being could never comprehend. I know it and endured it and allowed it for you. Now, tell me who is unloved? Who is eagerly waiting to hear My voice and talk with Me? Who can't go a day without me in their lives?Who sits and watches you go throughout your entire day and protects and blesses you and only hears a word from you if it's a request instead of adoration and love?

The EX Factor

originally posted May 11 , 2013

 




I never wanted an ex, and I have to say, that fact that I do is both very unsettling and very unfair.

I spent the majority of my childhood praying for my future husband. i prayed for his wisdom and spiritual growth, both his physical and spiritual; protection- I prayed that he would love the Lord and and not be sucked into the evils that this world has to offer masquerading as fun and normalcy. Yet here I am, scarred, scorned and burned by the very person I thought I was praying for. I was not wanted...not enough anyway. I was definitely easy to get over-apparently. One minute he's laying on the floor saying he wants to die, but that God told him he wouldn't be alone long; less than a week later he is "in love" with a chat room girl in Australia.

He fell hard, and he fell fast- all the while sharing intimate details of both our lives in order to accumulate pity. Funny thing, she ended up burning him the exact same way he did me. But as is his way, he quickly moved on to another unattainable fling that he was "so in love" with.  # 2 didn't last either...and now he has moved on to #'s 3 and 4. (This basically is achieved by setting your sights on one while growing a "friendship" with another).

I say all this because looking back, I haven't had too many romantic "movie moments". The kind of moments where you can practically hear light songs in the background. Yet he is getting them with these girls.I just feel so old and stupid and ugly right now. This may seem pretty shallow of me, but I am woman and am prone to those moments. As I write this, I have just about 2 hours before my night shift at my new job (head hung low, it ain't glamorous), I am covered head to ankle in either violently itchy blisters from poison ivy or the crusted scabs that healing from them are leaving me with, I have re-gained at least 20lbs that I had lost...and I have been reminded  at least 8 times in 3 days that I will be turning 32 next month.

I'm beginning to wonder when my moment will come- my vindication. At what point, if ever, will God finally raise me from the ground, dust me off and show the world that i'm His daughter again? When will those who have wronged me be punished, those who have laughed at me stand with mouths agape, when those who have believed lies learn the truth????
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This was actually written 4 days ago when i was at my lowest point this month so far. I have LOTS of these. Watching the people who have destroyed your heart and the hearts of those you love continue on blissfully down their petal laden paths is almost maddening. It's like they just get away with murder, because they did. They killed who we used to be,who we wanted to be with them. I know I am not who I want to be anymore, but I'm beginning to think that's the process. Seeds are buried deep within the earth with dirt piled upon them. They are hidden away from the light where it is dark and cold and it rains on them. This rain covers them in mud. But without that rain and the protection the darkness provides against the blistering heat of the sun, it would not be able to grow. And also, for it to grow, it cannot stay as it is. It does not get a say in what it will become. All it can do, is wait-seemingly alone for days on end-then, crack and split it's skin and give birth to new life. From within it will be given insurmountable strength to push aside the filth and cold and darkness and break through to the light and finally blossom into what it's Creator had in mind for it's life. That's why, whether it's an orchid or a redwood, it's a miracle....because quite frankly, those are the seeds that end up being put in places of awe and wonder- and it's the dandelions and weeds that get to easily and quickly sprout up anywhere the wind blows them. It's also those same plants that no one wants, and they get ripped up and mowed down again and again.

His Strength made Perfect in my Weakness

originally posted March 17, 2013

This skinny depiction of Jesus has always annoyed me to no end. Where people got the idea that He was this wimpy,whiny effeminate guy I have no idea. I mean, he was a carpenter in the beginning of His life.                                                                                  Have you seen what the world's idea of carpenters are? : 
Clearly, He was no wimp. And He also fished with his disciples and helped them haul up a net so full of fish that it began to break. That takes some serious strength!
And even His death; any regular man-let alone the wussy version of Jesus- would have died simply from the beatings He took, but Jesus survived the beatings, the crown of thorns, the lack of sleep and hunger/dehydration that came with the Crucifixion. Personally, I think it was the suffocation that finally ended Him up there. 

This past Friday, I learned firsthand how strong and tough my Lord is when I attempted my first no eat fast.
I have done different variations of fasting before- all very hard, but extremely beneficial and spiritually amazing. The first 3 days have always been the hardest. I've done the 30 hour famine my sophomore year in high school, the fasting from TV for a week as a senior in high school and the Daniel's Fast for 11 days 2 years ago (that was unbelievable!) But things in my life right now have been so painful, so confusing and so seemingly left-to-chance that I have been praying nonstop for answers and direction from the Lord, but with no seeming answers in sight. Some days it seems like there is no hope and I'm am terrified. Other days there are nothing but options upon option but everythig hinges on something else that hinges on something else. It's an insane domino effect. It's like when we were trying to buy the house here in WV. We needed a job here to get approved for a loan, but we needed a home with an address to be able to get work. See tat vicious cycle? That's kinda where I am now.

So the other night I woke up around 4:30am from a terrifying nightmare. I have always had this reoccurring dream that this monstrous wave is building on the crest of the sea a few houses down from where we used to live in NJ and just before it breaks, I rush inside and cover my children and hold them tight and cry and pray. We can hear the roar of the waves covering the house and glimpses at the window reveal dead bodies, cars and debris floating by or submerged. It's a horrifying sight, but somehow, we are always ok.

This time my dream happened much like all the other times, except for the fact that the wave crashed through that big bay window, glass shattering all around us and my children are screaming. I see the wide eyed terror on 4 little faces, my youngest screaming for me to help her as her curly head disappears beneath the rising water. I'm alone, one child drowning, one swimming toward me, one clinging to me choking and my only son is missing.

And I am alone.

There is no one there to help me reach  my babies, and I have to try and choose, split second, which to save and which to leave in God's hands. The grief is literally breaking my heart as I awake sobbing and shaking.
I realized in that moment that I HAVE GOT to get God's attention and decided to fast. No food, for at least 7 days or until He answered me. I wrote down my top 3 questions and the signs I requested (kinda like Gideon did) to verify what the Lord wanted me to do and tucked the little paper away in my Bible. 

The first hour or so, for whatever reason my stomach was in knots and I as i prayed I got hungrier and hungrier. Then after a bit, it just stopped. I made it all day without really telling anyone, but by 10 pm I was so weak. My head was throbbing and I just fell asleep to my oldest child petting my head. I awoke around 5am Saturday more in the worst shape then I have ever been in. Dizzy, nauseous, pounding migraine, weak and slurring my words( at least it felt like I was) I tried to sit up and drink some lemon water, but it just made me feel sicker. Sobbing, I stumbled downstairs and out to the kitchen where I drank some grape juice and nibbled on slice of bread. By the time i got upstairs I thought I was dying and passed out in bed. i haven't felt that weak and flimsy since S was born.

 I woke up late yesterday and just felt so pathetic. I couldn't believe that I had given in to my flesh so easily- and when I had so many important things to get answered. I am still loathing myself, and even though I know God hears me and knows my heart, I feel like I just proved to Him why He shouldn't take my prayers seriously. 

Jesus was no joke. He was no wimp. That man went 40days and nights in the wilderness without a thing to eat or drink. Yes, He is God, but He was also man and lived for 33 years in a flesh and blood shell that felt everything we feel. He went that long with 0 sustenance, was tempted with power and riches and the chance to give in and eat and could still have the strength and presence of mind to quote Scripture back and do warfare with the Devil. I love how Matthew 4:11 says the Devil left him, and angels came and ministered to him. I wonder if that means they fed Him, or ministered to His exhausted spirit?

At any rate, I have resolved to try and do the Daniel's Fast again. At least I am seriously thinking about it. I don't think I am strong enough to go without eating ANYTHING, but I don't want to let that get in the way of hearing my Father again. I need answers, ones that only He can give.

 

 

Nightly Ponder

 originally posted on January 13,2013

 

 

 

 

 

I have no idea where to begin.

      I just spent the better part of the night watching old shows that I grew up on, laughing and talking with someone I love dearly. But then the silence came- that silence that I crave all day long. Through the thumping of doors slamming shut and children's calls to each other from room to room, the worry of near empty bank accounts being squeezed of every last penny to appease the bill people , the pouring rain that has overtaken the forecasted sunny day...through all of the chaos and frustration and playtime and teachings I crave this silence; now that it's here, it scares me.

     I'm not sure I like it, especially when I'm the only one awake. I take my sleepy toddler by the hand and guide her back to her warm well blanketed bed, and it feels so good to have someone holding my hand in the darkness. Most nights, I am up and down correcting overwound children, or the ones with the bad dreams or who saw the scary shadows. It is during these times that I hear the silence. The faint snore coming from a distant bedroom; the rush of the wind outside like a train whizzing by; the whimper of our dogs twitching on the couch, dreaming of endless outdoor play. But it is also during these times that the reality of what is my reality hits me like a smack in the face and it doesn't matter that I was laughing and reminiscing just a few hours earlier- I am immediately pulled towards fear and the tears overtake me. It is in this darkness and silence that I see and feel in the physical world exactly what I cannot see but still feel in the spiritual one. 

     I used to feel as though I was so on track with the Lord and I resented my angelic reputation. I hated that the people I just wanted to simply talk to and get to know never wanted to give me a second thought or just a chance at a real friendship because they assumed I would look down from my pedestal at them and make them feel the way I feel people make me feel now. The saddest part is, I never would have. That is not who I am, and I never gave that indication.

     Now I'm stumbling around in darkness, crying out for my Father to hear me, to answer my call, to give me some guidance and direction. I know it is evil to ask for signs, but how else can I really know that something is from the Lord and not the Devil appearing as an Angel of Light? How do I know that everything that I was taught before wasn't wrong or askew or a mistake- based on generational misinformation? The only thing that I cling to is the Word, and even that has been twisted and misinterpreted a thousand ways by both well meaning and evil pastors and elders.I don't want to fall away- not now, not when the end is so very close. It's not fair, that if I was going the right way throughout the race that now I get lost and   lose my sense of direction.My soul can't afford to to be lost.

     And even now, in this evil physical realm I am forced to face utter failure. Fears that I have never once worried about have become my daily torment.There is no money. There is no way to provide for myself and my children without the help that isn't there. There is no emotional comfort- just daily spits in the face, so to speak. Things I craved and begged and asked for-humiliated at having to grovel for- are so freely given to another who has not had to endure what I have, who has not been put through the humiliation I have and who has not been there time and again and again forgiving and being let down in a vicious self destructive cycle. I watch my children try so desperately to get what should just be an honour to give to them, and now I have to dispense it twice as much to fill the void.The fact of the matter is, now I have to continue on in this world with no support or security by my side while others get to go and play like they are air-headed teenagers again.While they put in their paid allotted 8 hours and come home to video games and private giddy phone calls, I put in my thankless,never ending 24 hours of educating, and meal planning and budgeting and bill paying, and smooth talking debtors and fears, and 3am nightmares and 4am potty runs and checking measly online auctions praying to God another memory I have put up for sale has been bought by a stranger so that I can make ends meet and squirrel away for an uncertain and frighteningly lonely  future.

    So there I sit, by my window on the floor looking out at the darkened town. I wonder how many people in the houses that I am looking at are sleeping soundly and how many feel the way I do right now and are being robbed of their only peaceful time? I wonder if my entire life has been set up for something miraculous just before the end, or just a set up? Is all this torment for my eventual good, or will I just die a pathetic creature with a lot of wasted potential and a legacy left behind for someone else to learn from? Will this blog ever reach anyone? Does anyone even read it? No one ever comments. No donations are made. I read these articles of Joe Schmoes who took a risk and put everything out there and their blogs just blew up with fans and readers and people who care. I have never once done anything in order to get rich, but it would be nice to know that my thoughts and feelings aren't just screams from my heart that echo as whispers into nothingness. It would be a miracle to know that I matter in this world.That there is a chance my pathetic life could touch or entertain people enough to make a difference in their own lives. I want to matter.

     I don't want to walk alone in the dark anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Who am I?

originally posted December 10,2012

 

 

One of the things I hate most about this new life is that I feel like I've lost my identity.

It's like, my whole life, I have been in training to be a wife and a mother- and not just a wife and mother- but a good one. The Proverbs 31 woman. It's been a long hard journey. There were days that I didn't feel like doing chores,like most teenagers, and learning new "womanly" skills sometimes seemed so demeaning.  had dreams of being a journalist, traveling the world in pursuit of uncovering truth, or a teacher, molding the minds of future generations. Why on earth would I care how to properly fold a fitted sheet or make a succulent roast chicken?

But then as time went on, what started out as a degrading bothersome chore, quickly changed into a ministry. I didn't just want to learn how to do these things, but I wanted to be the best at them. I wanted to marry a wonderful man one day and have him be the envy of all his friends and coworkers. Where other men were lamenting their wives' entitled ways of thinking when it came to frivolous spending, mine would be able to not just leave me a debit card and checkbook, but trust me enough to put me charge of the finances and bill paying. When he would come home and tell these heart breaking tales of run around wives who slept with more men in town then the number of hours their husbands worked, mine always knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was keeping home, teaching and rearing children and making sure to have a hot home cooked meal prepared and waiting for him,still hot but not burned, for whenever he returned for dinner. There would never be anything he would want for. I would put aside my exhaustion to fulfill his intimate needs, serve him and his offspring their meal portions first and make sure theirs were the largest before my own. Clothes were dutifully washed in a homemade soap, kitchen sparkling( not always, but I tried) and that was who I was.



I was Donna Reed.

Now I feel like a nobody. Yes, I still get up and carry on. The house will always need to be kept clean and as much in order as a house can be with 4 children and 3 dogs. Meals are still hot and home cooked and clothes still washed in that homemade laundry soap. But there is a void.

There is a void in me.
 
Who am I?

Am I strong for not putting up with less than I deserved?Am I setting a good example for my daughters, to never feel like you must change who you are and what you believe in for acceptance and love? Have I been reduced to being what people have whispered and accused me of being because they think they know everything about me, but really have no idea???

I know who my mother always taught me to be. I am a King's daughter- so that makes me royalty. I am, she would always say,  the head and not the tail. I am the Christian foundation for my children and the voice for them when no one seems to want to listen to their little cries of concern. 

But there are so many days when it just doesn't even seem fair or real or possible. I don't feel beautiful and strong or royal or the head. I feel lost and scared and defeated and like I've let everyone around me down somehow. I feel like a failure.

It's all I can do to barely remember the verses I grew up on. They seem so far away and faded now. I can remember bits and pieces, but references escape me. I try to hold onto what I know to be true, even when it feels like it doesn't apply to me anymore. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. That I am in the palm of His hand, and no one can snatch me out of it. I looked my name up years ago and it means bitter sorrow. LOVELY. I feel as though I've been set up to fulfill that name's meaning, whether I want to or not. I read a few months ago Ruth 1:20, where after being widowed and left childless, Naomi went back to the land of her people with her daughter-in-law Ruth and the people asked if this was really Naomi. I can only guess what the grief of her circumstances and years from home had done to her facially.

  20 “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. 21 I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”

Mara is a form of the name Maria. Naomi's grief and environment had worn who she had been away. Look it up: her name means "Beautiful, pleasant, delightful". Life had turned her from beautiful to bitter.
This is what I'm trying to avoid but it is so hard. Beauty just seems so far away. The Light of the Truth of who I am and was meant to be seems so faded. It feels like I'm wandering around alone in the dark chasing this light, and I just can never get close enough to it. So until I can believe I am somebody, let alone somebody that will find happiness again, I choose to hold blindly to the knowledge that I am God's Child, still.

 

 

My Prayer

originally posted December 29,2012

 " While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could rescue him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God."Hebrews 5:7NLT

Father,
I want to start out by apologizing. I want to humbly ask your forgiveness for every sinful thing I have done/said/thought based on this immense pain in my life. Even if the sin was unintentional or unknown at any time, I still ask your forgiveness. There is never any excuse for unrepentant sinning. I ask that you remove the consuming anger  I have towards those who continue to hurt me and  drag my reputation through the mud. Please restore me from having a heart of stone towards some to a heart of flesh towards all. I realize that this means I will continue to feel the sting of rejection and others' pain at times as they lash out at me in their own suffering. Allow my life to be an example,once again, of your never ending love and patience towards an undeserving world.  Please cleanse my heart and mind and renew a right spirit within me.

Jesus I ask that you please cover my children and all who sleep under my roof at any given point with your protecting hand. Cover them with your wing, as a mother bird shelters her fledglings from the storm. Please let my house, no matter where it may be, be a home and feel as such to all who enter it.

God, I know you have seen my suffering.I never questioned where you were in the past- you were always there with me, just as you are with me now and are already with me in the future. Please take away these unbearable and incessant feelings of fear( of what the future holds and what I cannot control), loneliness, depression, heartache,shock and brokeness. God, please restore my peaceful sleep again. Reverse this horrible insomnia that is eating away at my health and whatever shred of peace I am blessed with in my nightly state of unconsciousness. Grant me strength in my body again and protect me from myself. From eating unhealthily, from thoughts of committing crimes of irreversible damage to the temple you have designated to be my body for the time being.

Jesus I'm suffering so much right n
ow. My soul feels like it is dying everyday. I have never felt the weight of my own tears so strongly as they thud rapidly against my hands and run down to the desk into a cooled puddle. It actually startles me. They flow so freely and from such a sense of agony from somewhere within me, it's like what I'm going through and what I know to be the causes of this pain aren't even scratching the surface; it's as if my tears come from a secret reservoir of despair that even I don't know existed. Then again, maybe they just come from almost 2 decades of trying to be strong and carry on in my own strength. Maybe my soul is just plain...weary.
Jesus, I don't know what has happened to the life that I thought was safe and normal. You do. I don't know how I have gotten here to this point.You do. I don't know where I'll be in the future, who, if any, will be standing by my side supporting and loving me.You do.Please let this be enough for me- to know that You do, and You are already there. Let me never be swayed, or give up living this Christian Life.It is SO hard. I am judged not just by the unsaved, but by those who claim to be Yours- and these judgments cut so much further in me....

I praise you for being God. Against this awkward feeling of trying to give thanks when I can't see a thing to be grateful or happy for, I praise you. I praise you for having my life planned out and and I ask you to open my eyes to see and recognize the angels and guides you send into my life that are there to nudge me in the correct narrow direction.Please be with me in all my decisions,actions and words.Guide me as I try to guide my children. Keep us all safe from harm and please don't let my past mistakes and sins affect,scar or sway my babies from the Way Everlasting.
In Jesus' Name.

Starting Over

It's been a long journey-one that I had never in my wildest dreams or nightmares ever planned on taking and I am so very thankful that during the darkest and scariest times, I've never once been alone-although it most definitely felt like it most of the time.

I am nowhere near the end of this journey, I don't think I get that privilege until I finally leave this earth.Life is about ever learning and growing. I've kept another blog-a private one-that I'm not ready to reveal all my posts from. But it was revealed to me in a dream the other night that perhaps it's time to stop being so afraid and ashamed of the road I'm on...because really, aren't we all on a journey and going through storms?

So I will be posting 1 or 2...3 if I ever feel adventurous enough....posts from that blog, here and there. I never figured that when wrote that "the Journey is too long to go it alone" that I would be writing to myself big time.

So I guess that's it for now. The next few posts I put up will be from my other blog, in the order that I wrote it in. I pray this doesn't blow up ion my face somehow and that it can be used to heal someone's heart and mind, somewhere.
God bless.

Realization and Resolving

                                             

When I sat down at my keyboard nearly 3 years ago and resolved to make my 30th year all about the Lord and my service to him, I never in my worst nightmares would have dreamt I would be where I am today. Absolute service to the Lord doesn't not come without a price. I could say I have lost everything. I want to say that, but I can't. I have a roof over my head still, and my precious children. I have food to eat and a warm, albeit highly uncomfortable bed to sleep in at night. But one thing that I've lost that I never realized I had was security.

When you live with and are in love with someone who lies chronically, you would think there is no security, but there is- a weird sense of it anyway. You begin to learn patterns and those patterns are predictable and in turn make you feel a sick sense of security. In my case it went: get caught in a lie, eek out a partial truth , call him on it a few days later, eek out more truth; all in all discovering the full truth to any of his lies took about a week to 2 weeks. Then there's the constant checking of history buttons and cell phones, checking pants and coat pockets and always trying to catch up or stay a step ahead. I'm not gonna lie, it was exhausting...but predictable and in between his lies and my hurt or anger were some of the best times I could have asked for.

As is human (read:idiot) nature, we are never truly content with what we have. There's always gotta be something more or better. I swore that me and these children deserved better than what the lies and mistrust were doing to us. I believed I deserved better than what the full truth finally revealed one night. Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. All I know is that in this line of thinking I traded all the beautiful times in addition to the head games for what I thought and was convinced was the better plan God had for me. I mean I was so sure my compensation for years of this crap and finally discovering he had been unfaithful years ago (and never said a word) was standing right in front of me gift wrapped in every prayer I had ever cried....and here I sit now at 4:24am- alone in my room. 

ALONE.

Let me tell you, when the devil does it, he does it all the way. I am ashamed and broken that I didn't know or see it. All I saw was happiness and freedom and trust and this life I had always wanted right there. For a brief time I got to taste it and experience everything I had missed out on in life. Now I realize too late that it wasn't a hand wrapped gift from God but an exchange for my security and peace of mind from the top of a pinnacle (Matthew 4:8-10).

I don't know what God has planned for me now. My heart knows He still loves me, though He's sad and disappointed in me. I've always known and done better- but that's because I've never been shaken and blindsided like this before. It's not an excuse, I should have been prepared & on my game, but I wasn't. My best friend destroyed me and in turn I destroyed myself some more. My head isn't too sure God wants anything more to do with me. There are days it feels like things are getting better and His forgiveness of me is there...but most days my greatest achievement is deciding to get out of bed and doing so. Everyday is a struggle, a fear a fight...a replay of guilt and shame and anger and hopelessness. I desperately need a sign that He's still there and does still want me even though no one else does. To know that I'm still His...a small victory in my life...anything that steers me from believing my life was just a huge waste and a set up for failure. 

Today is May 26th, 2014. In 8 days I will be 33 years old. 33 is very important to me for a few reasons. 

• First off, it's the age when everything Jesus had been learning and preparing for culminated in the death of his physical self and the gateway to God opened for us.
•  The divine name Elohim appears 33 times in the story of creation in the opening chapters of Genesis.
• Jesus performed 33 recorded miracles. 
• When Jesus was 8 days old he was circumcised- a Jewish practice that set him apart as one of God's people. 33 is the number of days following the circumcision of the foreskin of the child where the mother had to purify her blood, according to the law of Moses. (Lev 12,4-8)
• The number 33 is connected to a promise or the promises of God. The 33rd time Noah’s name is used in Scripture is when God makes a special covenant or promise with him. The Eternal promises to not destroy the entire world again with a flood and seals His pledge with the sign of the rainbow (Genesis 9:12 - 16).

I've always had the feeling that my 33rd year was going to be my most important, but for what reason I don't know. Maybe this will be the year I will finally become what God has intended for me to become. Maybe I have lived all my other years just to get to this year.

I am vowing today, now at 5:04am to live this moment and throughout my 33rd year wholly for the Lord. I will put His desires before my own, His will to be done before my own. I know there's going to be trials and most likely I am going to weaken and fear again, but I pray that in his strength I won't break. All I ask of Him is that He surround my 4 beautiful children with a wall of protection and fiery Guardian angels on every side- that they will not be harmed,hurt or touched in anyway and if He sees fit- that they always be with me where I can hold and love and protect them. My life is yours Lord. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse and for richer or poorer, til death do I part and finally rest safe and secure in your arms.

Humbly Asking for Help

These words have never been more true than right now. I can't do this alone anymore.

When I began this blog, it was never ever intended to be a money maker. I plainly stated that it was to be used to encourage,help and empathize with hurting people. I was going thru my own trials and pain, and believe me when I say I had no clue how far the pain would take me. My entire world is different, and yet somehow the core remains the same- my God and my children.

This being said I'm going to quit beating around the bush and just say what this post is about. I need help and I have never been good at asking for help. I normally wait until I get to a very bad breaking point and just cry out for someone-anyone to help. I don't like bothering or inconveniencing anyone. My mentality has always been DIY (at least when it comes to me). Well now, it has less to do with me and more to do with my children. I need to make sure this house can't be taken away from us. Everything is explained on the GoFund me page and I am more than willing to answer any questions you may have.





If somebody-anybody- would be good enough to find it in their heart to donate whatever they want or can to this fund, words cannot express the gratitude I would have. Thank you so much and God bless.

GIIC

 

 originally written on my Facebook under Notes

 

October 1, 2013 at 9:39am

     so, at the risk of setting myself up to look like a huge hypocrite....
i began reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere last week. not gonna lie, watching it on the computer was easier and slightly less convicting. In the past year, my life has gone from a looking like a fairy tale on the outside to a downright nightmare on every side. There is definite fear,anger,bitterness,worry etc....and I’m not saying that i may never take to another cryptic update in a moment of sheer desperation to release some of the heartache and pressure. But i will say this: GIIC. "God is in Control".
     He saw everything that has happened and will happen b4 the foundations of the world were ever put into place. He needn't check in with us to make sure we can handle our situations or even like them and be sure-it will all come out in the end to be for His glory. Because HE is God and is worthy of that Glory and if we stay focused on Him and not the storm around us (and we will fail at this at some point) and not let others' actions and words offend us and cause bitterness, great will be our reward.
     My role models are no longer poets or super moms or close friends. They are Joseph- who though he was shown in a dream his future place of power, was robbed of his family,his name, his inheritance and his freedom and kept in a damp dark box of a dungeon for a crime he never committed- and still managed to forgive they that put him there and offer the best he had to them. Why? Because he took his eyes off of himself and the fact that he had every reason to hate and put his eyes on his Creator, and the fact that he had ever responsibility to love.

     They are David, who soothed Saul's restless spirit with music and was welcomed into his army and family, then because of jealousy was hunted like a deer for years to the point of hiding in a cave. He had more than 1 opportunity to take the life of the man that was trying to take his and instead of plotting against him and cursing him, called the man who tried to unjustly kill him "father".(1Samuel 24:11) When word of Saul's death finally came, David didn't breathr a sigh of relief,or reward the man that killed him or feel vindicated. He had the nation learn of a song of love and respect and taught them to sing it in reverence & honor.(2Samuel 1:17-27)

      But most of all, they are Jesus- who unlike US who wait for a sincere apology  before we forgive- forgave us before we could ever conceptualize that we needed it. Think about that. What if Jesus HAD waited for an apology? Not one of us born after his death and resurrection would stand a chance.HE decided on that forgiveness before his Creation ever had the chance to turn on him, and praise God for that. Forgiveness doesn't mean you suddenly don't care what the other person did. It doesn't mean everything is made back to the way it was. And it certainly doesn't mean you decide to remain in the chaos because that's what you did before and it seemed alright at the time. It simply means you release.
     Release the offender from owing you. Release yourself from guilt and shame. You release the bitterness, resentment and anger that is undoubtedly choking the life out of you and your relationship with God. Forgiveness isn't a band-aid that covers the wound, it's the air that releases the infection from eating you up. SO today, i take the first step to release it all. i don't want things the way they were. I want them better. I don't want excess, i want just enough. And I don't want revenge, i want freedom. But most of all, i want Jesus, and I want Peace. Pray for me.

Ordering the Steps of a Modern Day Hagar

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was writing on this particular blog. I remember specifically choosing to do it after making a vow on my 30th birthday that I would be dedicating that entire year to the service of God through loving others. I also remember knowing and preparing  for an intense spiritual backlash from the Enemy for choosing 365 days of unselfishness.

I thought I was prepared, but I had no clue what I was in for.

There were so many blessings that came with that year, they were impossible to count. But it was also the beginning of the hardest few years of my life. I have been gossipped about, lied to and lied about, my good name and spotless reputation eradicated, family had deserted and me spread lies about me, friends have proven themselves the opposite-instead of praying for me,dropping a line welcoming me  to call or talk anytime- set their tongues to wagging over speculation and "Can you believe she....".  I am not going to say I have been completely blameless in the past couple years. We are all human and make mistakes and apparently quite a few of my innocently chosen ones have turned out to be the worst decisions for me. I am far from Jesus, but boy do I understand the stigma of being a man of sorrows.

I'm in the scariest place I have ever been in my life. Alone. I'm far from home. I'm surrounded by people who hate me or just don't understand or just don't care. I no longer have someone to follow and be lead by. I AM the leader, and I have no idea where I'm going. Ruth is who I want to be, who I was and who I am trying to get back to. Hagar is who I am now.

I am really beginning to feel how this poor woman must have felt. Granted, our stories are very different- with her being the handmaiden to a wealthy woman and used for procreation(possibly against her will)then sent away. But we are very similiar as well.

 We both had to deal with situations for years that we didn't like and didn't want to be able to keep a comfortable lifestyle. We did what we had to in order to please the ones in charge of yanking it all away. I'm not saying I was a slave, but sometimes it felt like it. I don't know how long Hagar was Sarai's slave, but if we assume she had been in Canaan the whole time with her and Abram, then we are talking ten years (Genesis 16:3). This also right around the time everything fell apart for me as well.
We both, when we stood our grounds were sent packing. I mean, I'm still here, but my life is polar opposite of what is was. I am in my desert and instead of the safety of my tent.
Genesis 18:8 is interesting because the Lord asked Hagar: “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” One thing I've learned is that the Lord doesn't ask questions because he doesn't know the answers- it's for our benefit, to get us to recognize something. I remember the good and the bad of where I came from,the prayers I prayed and the constant living in suspicion and self loathing that came from that suspicion. I know where I want to go and the life I pray everyday for...it's just a question now of how to get there. How do you move forward while looking behind?How do you move to a better future when you don't know how?
Not gonna lie, it disturbs me that she was ordered to go back and submit to the very woman that put her in this position and abused her. But she went. She obeyed, not knowing how bad it was gonna get.

By chapter 21, Ishmael has been born and is well into his teen yrs. and has taken to teasing little Isaac on the day he was weaned. Sarah is furious and orders Abraham to send him and his mother away. How in the world must this poor woman have felt?First she runs away from the abuse to have a better life, and ends up being told to go back, stays an additional 13 years and is sent packing again! It gets so bad she ends up dragging her starving dehydrated son to a bush and leaves him there to die, because she can't stand to watch him suffer any longer. I don't know about you, but as a mother i can't imagine the pain she was in to find her only solace in abandoning her dying child. As many times as I have said "I can't do this" when it comes to my babies' pain,for whatever reason, I have stood by them- through tests,needles,hospitalizations,stitches and yes, starvation. I understand the feeling of holding your only son in your arms and knowing there's a very real chance he may die of starvation- and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I praise God that may children are happy and healthy, but at the same time I feel like this is where I am now.I am Hagar on her 2nd stint in the desert.No one to make it better,not sure if a life without peace is better than no life at all, sobbing and drained and crying out to God day after day after day...waiting for help and direction.

My prayer as late has been for God to make VERY CLEAR his will for my life. I can't rely on the advice and suggestions of others, since only a very small few know the whole story and every detail.Others speculate and make up what they don't know.The only one I can trust is God, and right now- either he is silent or I am stupid and stubborn. I honestly don't know which way to go because out of 2 decisions, both seem right and both seem wrong. Proverbs 14:12 scares me to death :

"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."
It is because of this verse I have resigned myself to not making another decision until I very clearly and very explicitly hear from God, and not thru well meaning or over opinionated "friends" or whomever. This ones a big one and it is gonna take God's voice,loud and clear to make me make take a step.

Firestorm

"I'd rather stand alone with God knowing my heart, then in a crowd of thousands who can only assume they know."

"Taking the high road is often heart wrenching, and misunderstood. I wish there was more traffic there though."

"I should b shocked but I'm not; its called the End Times. I pray that b4 ppl believe the slander they will ask me first. Every coin has 2 sides."

     As I sit here and write this, tears are flowing down my face.I know that I have been off here for far too long. I have been so wrapped up and preoccupied by my own trials and pain and heartache, I just haven't had it in me to write. This is no excuse. The whole point of this blog was to find my purpose in this world and use it to glorify God in any way I could. My everyday life seems so insignificant until I find that it has somehow touched or blessed someone. Well here it goes.

     I wrote the above sayings in italics on my personal Facebook page when I was going through a VERY painful time this past February. I have debated on whether or not to even say the words for fear of backlash and criticism, but let's be honest- I get criticized frequently. It hurts beyond words but I have grown accustomed to it; I am tired of being hurt nonetheless.In the past 6 months I have been accused of being cold, hard-hearted, a bad mother, a whore, a gold digger and as of last night it was hinted around that I might have thief tendencies. As sick and tired as I am of these seemingly never ending false and quite frankly insulting accusations it has truly helped me understand Jesus as Man here on Earth:

"He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!"  Isaiah 53:3-4(NLT)

     A man of sorrows. That is an incredible and incredibly heart breaking description for someone who is Lord of all., but at the same time it's comforting. You see, Jesus' whole purpose in his 33 years on the Earth He created was to be an example. He was an example that it is possible, albeit extremely difficult to live a righteous life. Notice I never said perfect or blameless. No, He never did anything wrong- but He was frequently a target of false and blasphemous accusations.He was tested and people tried to catch him in hypocrisy and lies.His life must have been so filled with hurt and pain from the stress that others tried to cause Him. He was perfect and blameless, but His life was not. If it had been, then EVERYONE would have been able to see and understand who He was and IS; very few people got Him either. The ones He kept closest to Him followed Him around everyday, and even they let Him down at times. One even orchestrated His arrest and in turn, His death.

     But what does verse 4 say? It wasn't punishment from God that afflicted Him, it was the weight of everyone's sorrows that weighed Him down. He carried the afflictions of those around Him so much and so deeply that it appeared as though He was just this miserably despised human being. 

     I dedicated all of last year to the Lord. My whole life and being and purpose on this Earth. I prayed protection over my children and the ones I loved as I delved deep into this blog and used my life as a living testimony any way I could.

      And then began the firestorm.
     The lies. The scorn. The rumors. I faced losing my children, but the truth prevailed and they are still with me. I have lost friends, but I guess they never really knew me anyway. Family have destroyed my spotless reputation with people I have been trying to get to know and pray for and be friends with, before these people ever got a chance to really know me. And most painful of all, I've been accused of not trying hard enough and seeking all avenues to save my marriage.

     But people didn't know Jesus and I guess they don't know me. No one but God saw how many times I cried, how many migraines I endured, how many phone calls and web searches I made to try and save it. No one but God saw how far I went and how low I felt in trying to be my everything's One and Only. At one of my lowest points I found myself in a consultation with a plastic surgeon.

Someone I love dearly has told me countless times to keep my head up. When I am falling apart, they have lifted my head and said "This is where your head belongs." But I gotta tell ya, it feels impossible to keep my head held high while I'm being continuously kicked. I had to go back a few minutes ago and re-read one of my own posts,When Everything Falls Apart. There's no doubt I'm going through a storm; it dies down for a little bit but it always swells right back up- it never ends. But like the post says, God didn't cause this pain so I won't blame Him, but I know He's here watching it all and I trust He'll plant my rainbow in the sky someday.

Happy Resurrection Sunday,2012!

If you have never accepted Jesus into your life, please watch either of these videos and choose this day whom you will serve. Time is running out, and He is the only WAY, THE only Truth and the LIFE. (John14:6.) Be blessed. I love you.

Alter Call Version

 

Theatrical version

Sealed

 

 

 

 

 

I have always been very drawn to Scripture references that have to do with love and anything of poetic beauty. What better place to study all of these than Song of Solomon? Although all the verses of all the chapters in this rhythmic book of unquenchable desire and desperate love and longing are striking and  thought provoking, there is one particular reference that has captured my heart. I have read it several times this week, and every time I do I get something new from it.

" Place me like a seal over your heart,
   like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
   its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
   like a mighty flame."SOS 8:6

It kills me that today's society has no clue what love is or what it is all about. This verse sums up love perfectly.

•  " Place me like a seal over your heart" There was a time long long ago when kings had signet rings, seals of ink or wax that were used to show official ownership. The woman that has won Solomon's heart wants him to keep her in his heart like that ever important seal; to show the world that she alone belongs to him, that she has his undivided affection. What does it mean when we place our hands over our hearts or say "cross my heart, hope to die" ? We are making a pledge, a vow, a sacred promise.A seal not only shows ownership, but promise. By placing her as a seal upon his heart, he is taking a vow to her. A vow to not only love her, but to desire her above all others. She is The One.

 

• "like a seal on your arm" I did some extensive research on this tiny phrase and came up with 2 main thoughts. 1-This seal, this promise-it was to be in a place that is readily seen by all. A place that required no explanation. Perhaps the bridegroom was preparing to go away and his bride wanted all who came in contact with him to know his heart was taken. He belongs to her. 2- This seal that represents this bride was to be in a place of strength. A man's arms are his power, his strength, his virility. To place her as a seal on his arm shows fierce pride in her and protection over her. This woman wants to be valued.

 

•  "for love is as strong as death" Death is seemingly so final. It is incredibly strong. Think about it...Sure if someone technically passes away, medical personnel can bring them back, but only so many times. And this can't be done forever. Eventually, death will have its way and claim the life it is after. And to be sure, only Christ ( who is God and God is love; so if love  is as strong as death, it took a loving God to match strengths with Death in order to defeat it)had the power to defeat death, by offering himself up as the eternal sacrifice so that where before death was final-claiming both soul and body- now all it can do is claim the body.The soul continues to endure forever, either in an eternal place of peace and joy, or torment and separation from God. In the same way, love should be just as strong, just as final. Nothing can beat it, nothing can squelch, nothing can defeat it- except God himself, should He see fit.

 

•  " its jealousy unyielding as the grave." Unyielding, for those who aren't completely sure, means to be un submissive, not flexible. Once you are in the grave, your body is there until the Lord Himself calls it up and out. Wanting the one you want, in essence to be jealous, should be the same way. Their affections should be towards you and yours towards them alone. The desires between the Lover and the Beloved should not be flexible; if he belongs to her and she to him there is no wiggle room allowed. If there is, there may be a serious problem.

 
"It burns like blazing fire,like a mighty flame." This is pretty self explanatory. Fire causes heat, attracts life like moths and nighttime beetles, can create life within death ( ever see new plant life growing where a wildfire has left its destructive fingerprint?) and is beneficial in countless ways. It is hypnotizing and seductive in its own right, but above all else- must be treated with caution and respect. So should love be. It is fragile and attractive, hugely powerful and all enveloping...but when scorned and mistreated- has the infinite power of destruction.